Synopsis: Rose
and Sophia end up in hot water due to some bad dating advice from
Blanche; aka the one where Blanche makes Sophia look like a 65
year-old drag queen.
Take Me Out to the
Ballgame, Stanley
Dorothy: “My
mother does not do that.”
Sophia: “Yes, I
do. I've just been in dry dock. I'm back now. I'm suited up, Coach.
Put me back in the game.”
Shady Pines, Ma
Dorothy: “She
can't drink. It mixes with her medication.”
Sophia:
“Beautifully!”
Blanche: “Aren't
they adorable?”
Dorothy: “Yeah,
seems like only yesterday I was putting her into the home.”
Lewd Ladies
Sophia: “Tony
looks at me as a friend, as a companion.”
Dorothy: “Honey,
nothing wrong with that.”
Sophia: “Yeah, but
I'm picturing him naked, and I'm not laughing.”
Blanche: “If you
want my advice, I think you should sleep with him.”
Sophia: “Done!”
Dorothy: “That is
not what she wants.”
Rose: “Dorothy,
the man came at her with a hose!”
Zbornak Zingers
Rose: “Blanche, I
don't think you realize how powerful sex is. Once, Charlie and I
actually did it till the cows came home. Of course, I was wearing a
bell.”
Dorothy: “Of
course. Hence the nickname ‘Dingdong.’”
Insult Watch
Sophia: “You got
me into trouble, you got Rose into trouble. You'd get Dorothy into
trouble if anyone was interested in her.”
Dorothy: “Wait a
minute. Why, just the other day, that guy who works with our
gardener, you know, the one with the leaf blower, told me that I
looked nice with a little lilt in his voice and tried to blow my
skirt over my head.”
Product Placement
Sophia: “Blanche
made me do it.”
Dorothy: “What.
Don't you have a mind of your own? If Gladys Goldfine told you to
drink a whole bottle of Kaopectate, would you??”
Sophia: “Who
blabbed?”
Sophia: “I just
came by to pick up my MedicAlert bracelet. I believe I left it here
last week.”
Tony Delvecchio:
“I'm wearing it.”
Sophia: “That's
dangerous.”
Tony Delvecchio:
“No. It turns out we're both allergic to the same things.”
Sassy Sophia
Blanche: “Sophia,
I'll bet with a few tips from me, you can have this guy Tony in bed
in no time.”
Sophia: “That's
good, because that's exactly how much time we have.”
Blanche: “Sophia,
I told you never tell a man you love him first. That's a fatal
mistake.”
Sophia: “I just
wanted to hear someone say "I love you" to me one more
time.”
Dorothy: “Oh, Ma.
Would it make you feel better if I told you I love you?”
Sophia: “Yeah. All
of a sudden, I feel like singing. Take me to a piano bar. I’m going
to sleep. If Tony calls, tell him I faked it!”
Dorothy: “Ma!”
Sophia: “Well I
did. Oh baby oh baby oh baby, oh please!”
Back in St. Olaf
Rose: “I just got
a special-delivery letter from St. Olaf. Uh-oh, it's from the
Department of Water and Coffee.”
Dorothy: “Coffee??”
Rose: “No, thanks.
It makes me jumpy.”
Dorothy: “Rose,
what does the letter say?”
Rose: “You read
it, Dorothy. I need both hands to cover my ears in case it's bad
news.”
Dorothy: “Dear St.
Olafian, I'm afraid there's bad news.”
Rose [ears covered]:
“What?”
Dorothy: “There's
a drought in St. Olaf which threatens the crops.”
Rose: “Oh, no. I
better send water!”
Dorothy: “Please
do not send water. We have found that envelopes leak. Until the rains
come, we ask that all citizens be celibate, except for Ulf the
Umbrella King. He has suffered enough.”
Best of B.E.D.
Blanche: “OK, but
you have to listen to everything I say. When I say ‘jump,’ you
say, ‘On who?’”
Blanche: “Now, if
you hold Miles at bay, amazing things will start to happen. Oh he'll
become more attentive, send you flowers. He'll be a prisoner of love,
and you'll be the warden. And if you're interested, I have costumes
for both of you to rent.”
Sweet,
Single-Digit-IQ Rose
Rose: “What do I
do if he wants to go back to his place?”
Blanche: “Tell him
you have a lot of work you have to do at home.”
Rose: “I don't
wanna lie.”
Blanche: “When you
get home, we'll make ya clean out the garage.”
Rose: “Thanks,
Blanche, I owe you one.”
Lesbian. Lesbian?
LESBIAN??
Miles: “It's
obvious you're trying to avoid any kind of intimacy. I mean like that
place you dragged me to tonight. I-look, don't get me wrong. I
enjoyed the evening of lesbian poetry but, look, Rose, to tell you
the truth, it just wasn't the swell time I had in mind.”
What, We Can’t
Learn From History?
Sophia: “Tony
Delveccio is a dreamboat. I wouldn't mind glancing over at the night
table and seeing his teeth next to mine.”
Dorothy: “Ma,
please. I mean, it's probably silly, but I'm not that comfortable
hearing about your romantic escapades with men.”
Sophia: “Then
you're gonna hate this. I fantasize about him all day. Last night, I
dreamed I was Joan of Arc, and he was coming at me with a hose.”
Dorothy: “Ma,
maybe it was just a religious-experience dream.”
Blanche: “Did he
put out the fire?”
Sophia: “Three
times.”
Blanche: “Wow, the
seldom-achieved Joan of Arc fantasy triple. Sophia, I hate you.”
What Do I Look Like,
a Cross-Dresser?
Blanche: “All
right, girls, I want to present Blanche Devereaux's latest creation.
I took an 84-year-old woman and made her look like a 65-year-old drag
queen. Then I said to myself, ‘Blanche, too much rouge.’”
Literary
Intelligentsia
Rose: “I haven't
had such bad advice since my drama teacher told me I'd be perfect for
the lead in ‘The King and I.’”
Rose: “So stupid
here shaves her head and doesn't get the part.”
The Boob Tube
“The truth is
always the best.”
Dorothy: “That is
very wise, Rose.”
Well, I don't want
you to think I just made that up. I saw it this afternoon on TV when
I was watching The New Lassie. You know, that's actually an
interesting story. You see, the new Timmy was lost, and the new
Lassie was trying to tell the new grandpa where he was, so the new
Lassie— ”
Dorothy: “Rose,
did I ever tell you that I cry every Tuesday? At 8:05. Excuse me.”
Golden Quotes
Sophia: “You know
my motto - today could be the last day of the rest of the your life.”
Dorothy: “What
makes you think you know everything about the opposite sex?”
Blanche: “Let the
record speak for itself. I have had 143 relationships.”
Dorothy: “And no
convictions.”
Rose, if you're
gonna be my lump of clay, you gotta be a little bit smarter. When he
asks you if you're seeing other men, just, just tweak his nose and
say, ‘My, my, sir, I do believe you're jealous.”
Dorothy: “What
about the vapors, Blanche? Shouldn't she be overcome by the vapors?”
Dorothy: “Now Ma,
remember - don't do anything I wouldn't do.”
Sophia: “I think I
crossed that line when I got a date.”
Tony Delvecchio:
“Sophia, you look enchanting. If I wasn't such a gentleman, I'd try
to ply you with wine and take advantage of you.”
Blanche: “There's
a liquor store on the corner.”
Tony Delvecchio:
“Where does a sweet Sicilian girl like you learn to do those
things??
Sophia: “I live
with a slut.”
Tony Delvechhio:
“Thank her for me.”
Dorothy: “Ma, you
slept with him, didn't you? Come over here. Look me in the eye.
Did you sleep with
Tony Delveccio?”
Sophia [looking
down]: “A little.”
Dorothy: “Ma!”
Blanche: “Sophia,
tell me what happened.”
Sophia: “Same old
story - girl meets boy, girl loses boy, girl can't remember her
address, so cab just circles and circles and circles.”
Blanche: “Last
chance, Rose. Better come go with me.”
Rose: “Oh, no. I'm
too depressed to go to a firehouse.”
Blanche: “The
invitation says I can bring a friend to the barbecue. Come on, Rose.
They're firemen. After a couple drinks, they start to do CPR.”
Rose [answering the
phone]: “Hello. Oh, Helgie. So what's going on in St. Olaf? I can't
understand you, honey. Are you moaning? No, say it slowly. Oh, God,
it's raining. Oh, Goddd, it's raining. Oh, God- Oh, God, it's
raining!! Here, I've gotta get to Miles.”
Blanche [putting the
phone up to her ear]: “Boy, it must be pourin.’”
Critique:
Ok first things
first. A) Blanche never told Sophia not to say “I love you” first
B) why does it matter that Rose has to be celibate? Like Miles is
gonna dump Rose because they can’t bone temporarily?? and C) How
can I get a job at St. Olaf’s Department of Water and Coffee? But I
digress. What a delightful cesspool of great GG lines in this one
huh? Blanche is especially on fire here. So much so that you half
expect Rose’s pyro sister Lily to show up. Even
if the storylines mostly revolve around Rose and Sophia, it’s
Blanche that gets so many great moments (ie, I say jump, you say “on
who?”). But we can’t downplay how great Estelle is in this
episode. The site gag of seeing Sophia come out all dolled up is one
of the series’ most fun moments. And this episode is dirty dirty!
Faking orgasms, moaning on the other end of the phone, etc,
geez, the writers must have
been horny AF. If Tony Delvecchio looks somewhat familiar and you
don’t know how to Google or use imdb you might be interested to
know that he’s played by Cesar Romero
(the Joker from the 60s Batman TV series). It must have been fate
because let’s not forget Sophia once dreamed of Cesar Romero in a
loincloth in the Season 2 episode “Son-in-Law Dearest.” GRADE:
A-
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