Synopsis: Blanche
suspects that her sister Charmaine’s tawdry novel is
actually about her; Stan’s Czechoslovakian cousin
Magda visits and her Communist ideology
drives Dorothy and Sophia up the wall.
Musical Moments
Sophia: “When the
moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie/That's amore/When the world
seems to shine like you've had too much wine/That's amore”
Dorothy: “Ma,
that's lovely.”
Sophia: “What?”
Dorothy: “Your
singing.”
Sophia: “That was
me? I was gonna ask you to turn off the radio.”
Let’s Get
Political
Dorothy: “Boy,
sure took you a long time to spell Welcome Magda.”
Rose: “Oh I
thought that'd be too boring. So instead I decided to depict Magda's
escape from Czechoslovakia.”
Dorothy: “But
isn't that barbed wire?”
Rose: “Isn't it
amazing what you can do with icing?”
Dorothy: “Gee, you
made that pack of dogs look very realistic. But Rose, the revolution
in Czechoslovakia was a peaceful one. Nobody was chased by a pack of
dogs.”
Sophia [tasting the
icing]: “But they're good dogs, Rose.”
Take Me Out to the
Ballgame, Stanley
Rose: “Charmaine!
Blanche, look who's here. It's Charmaine.”
Sophia: “Oh, good.
Ringside seats!”
That’s What She
Said
Blanche: “And you
‘member that time Big Daddy caught us skinny-dipping with those
boys?”
Charmaine: “And
you told him it was our Bible study group ‘just practicin’
baptizin.’”
Blanche: “It
would've worked, too, if you hadn't come up screaming, ‘Hey, y'all,
things look bigger underwater!’”
Zbornak Zingers
Blanche: “What am
I gonna do about my sister coming? By the time she leaves Miami,
she'll be more famous here than I am.”
Dorothy: “Honey,
only if they close the Sheraton.”
Insult Watch
Dorothy: “Blanche
is handling this a lot better than I would. I would kill Gloria if
she ever wrote about my sexual escapades.”
Sophia: “You'd
kill your sister over a pamphlet?”
Product Placement
Sophia: “Magda is
driving us crazy. All she does is complain about how awful things are
in America. Everywhere we went, something bothered her.”
Dorothy: “We
showed her the mall-- She said we live in a plastic society with no
soul. This was after I bought her Beef Sticks and spreadable cheese
from Hickory Farms.”
Sassy Sophia
Magda: “Ladies,
ladies, I have very bad news. I must shorten my stay, Dorothy. In
fact, I'm leaving tomorrow.”
Sophia: “Dorothy,
move the coffee table. I wanna do a cartwheel.”
Back in St. Olaf
Rose: “This is
terrible! I was raised to hate Communists. I remember in the early
'50s when McCarthy came to St. Olaf to speak in the town square. I
was never so moved by a public speaker. Although some people thought
he was a puppet for the right wing. No, wait. That was Charlie
McCarthy.”
Dorothy: “I'd have
put money on that.”
Rose: “But still,
St. Olaf's town motto was 'Better Ned than red.' Ned was sort of the
town idiot.”
Sophia: “When? On
your days off?”
Magda [discussing
Communism]: “When there is one road, no one gets lost.”
Rose: “Not
necessarily. Back in St. Olaf, there--”
Dorothy: “Rose. Is
this a story about someone getting lost?”
Rose: “Uh-huh.”
Dorothy: “Well,
don't tell us. Show us.”
Rose: “I have a
sister story I think you'll find interesting…. There was a time in
my life when I wanted to leave St. Olaf. I just didn't feel it was
big enough for me. I had my eye on the Great White Way. So I went to
St. Gustav, the city that never naps. That first night I walked
around in amazement. They had their own Fotomat! Of course, it wasn't
as large as the Fotomats you see today. Now, here's the scary part.
Suddenly, I realized I was this frightened little girl alone in the
big city. It started to rain, and I stood there in the middle of the
town square and cried. There I was, drenched, and someone yelled out:
'Hey! Don't you have enough sense to come in out of the rain?' Well,
then it hit me. And when I went home to St. Olaf, I passed on this
bit of street-smart savvy. The next thing you know, in St. Olaf the
in thing was coming in out of the rain. I was the town celebrity.
Until the phrase 'Watch out for that tractor' caught on.”
Blanche: “What in
hell does this have to do with sisters?”
Rose: “Didn't I
mention? St. Olaf and St. Gustav were sister cities.”
Best of B.E.D.
Charmaine [about her
book]: “Well, what did you think?”
Blanche: “I
should've known I couldn't trust you. That all that 'let's be
sisters' stuff was just a bunch of bull. You had no right to use my
life for your book. To twist facts so that beautiful, sacred love
became so much tawdry trash. I earned that A in history! For the
first time in my life, I'm ashamed to be a Hollingsworth. Vixen:
Story of a Woman is nothing but a vulgar collection of perverse
sexual acts that are sheer and utter filth!!”
Sweet,
Single-Digit-IQ Rose
Blanche: “You are
not gonna believe this. My sister Charmaine just called me.”
Dorothy: “I didn't
think the two of you were speaking.”
Blanche: “Well,
we're not.”
Rose: “Then how
did you know it was her on the other end of the line?”
Dorothy: “Rose,
you're bringing down the curve for the whole country.”
From Feud to Food
Dorothy: “Oh, Ma,
come here. I want you to taste this. Well?”
Sophia: “Wouldn't
it be easier to put a pillow over my face while I sleep?”
What, We Can’t
Learn From History?
Dorothy: “Magda,
how can you be such an expert on America when you've only been here a
few days?”
Magda: “I know
that Communist system is more fair.”
Dorothy: “How can
you say that? People all over the world are realizing that Communism
doesn't work.”
Magda: “It worked
for me. I had automatic can opener, I had toaster, and I was very
near top of list to get electricity.”
Literary
Intelligentsia
Dorothy: “Magda,
there are two books that I want you to read. The first one is Thomas
Paine's Common Sense. I think it'll give you some idea of what
freedom is all about. And the second is Vanna White's autobiography.”
Magda: “Why should
I read this?”
Dorothy: “It's
just a helluva a book!”
The Boob Tube
Charmaine: “By any
chance, do you happen to know what happened to Big Daddy's pocket
watch? Virginia says you took it after the funeral.”
Blanche: “That
pocket watch meant so much to me.”
Charmaine: “Big
Daddy promised that watch to me.”
Blanche: “In
writing?”
Charmaine: “It was
in the will.”
Blanche: “Is this
the same will where he promised the summer house to Gopher from Love
Boat?”
Golden Quotes
Magda: “Dorothy?”
Dorothy: “Cousin
Magda!”
Magda: “Such a
beautiful home! Who sleeps with government official?”
Dorothy: “That
would be my friend Blanche.”
Magda: “Rose,
everywhere you look the rich take advantage of the poor. How can you
deny there are inequities in this society?”
Rose: “Well, sure
there are inequities, but at least we treat everybody the same.”
Magda: “Oh, oh!
Oooh! Ow!”
Sophia: “You drank
the Slurpee too fast again, didn't you?”
Magda: “It's like
knife sticking in forehead. The pain. It is, it is, really good!
These Slurpees are best thing about America.”
Dorothy: “What do
you want me to do, throw her out?”
Sophia: “Yes, and
while you're at it, ditch the Commie!”
Blanche: “My
sister has turned into a deceitful old woman whose only pleasure is
in hurting people. No offense, Sophia.”
Sophia: “None
taken. Slut.”
Rose: “You know,
isn't life funny? Last night in bed I told myself, 'Nobody listens to
your stories, Rose, quit telling them.' And I swore I would never
tell another story as long as I lived. And then you hear something
like this, and you realize these stories make a difference. Oh! You
know, something sort of like that happened to Hans
Fliegelfleister...”
[doorbell]
Sophia: “I hope
it's Death.”
Dorothy: “Get it
Rose!!”
Charmaine: “Oh, I
write the same thing to everybody. Just like signing yearbooks,
remember? You always wrote the same thing. 'You were the first.'”
Blanche: “Wrote
it, hell, I had a stamp made.”
Critique:
First
thought, I've always wondered if Vanna White's book got a boost in
sales after Dorothy's glowing recommendation? Secondly, I'm
not quite sure why Sophia needed to rip Charmaine's book out of
Magda's hands when there was a stack of perfectly unused copies right
in front of her, but I digress. Oh my God I love this episode. We get
two relatives. We get to learn more about Blanche's family. Is it me
or does Charmaine look like she could be Nicole Kidman's sister?
(She's even related to Nicole Kidman in Far & Away, so there!) I
really like Charmaine, maybe I feel a tad sorry for her because she has a
spastic colon, a tipped uterus, heart flutters, and attached kidneys?
And then there's Stan's cousin Magda from Czechoslovakia who Dorothy
refers to as Flora the Red Menace. I'm not sure why Dorothy is so
concerned with Magda thinking America is a plastic society since we
all know she's a modern thinker who isn't afraid to give a piece of
her mind. I mean she hates George Bush after all. I can't even count
how many classic GG lines appear here but it's brimming with
absolutely delightful dialogue. We
also get almost three St. Olaf stories. Dorothy's Mrs. Doolittle
story is good but at tad overdone
at this point. I'd take Rose's “sister cities” story any day of
the week over that one.
There's very little to complain about here with funny jabs at
everything from Vanna White, to Hickory Farms, to bitter children of
celebrities. It's such a well-rounded episode, everyone has their
moment to shine. This episode is… it is… veeely good!
GRADE: A
