Saturday, May 7, 2022

Home Again, Rose Part 1 S7E23

Synopsis: The girls decide to crash a local high school reunion but the laughs turn to sadness when Rose suffers a heart attack; Blanche’s daughter Janet and granddaughter Sarah visit.

Shady Pines, Ma

Sophia: “I remember when people used to die at Shady Pines. I hated the way the nurses used to break the news: ‘Guess who's getting two desserts tonight?’ It was so transparent.”

Blanche: “Oh my God, Dorothy, I just had another horrible thought. What if Rose had a major stroke? What if she is left completely unable to care for herself? What would we do?”

Dorothy: “We would bring her home. That's what we would do. If she had a stroke, we'd take care of her. She's family.”

[Sophia clears throat]

Dorothy: “Right. And then we'd send her to Shady Pines.”

Lewd Ladies

Sarah: “Can we go to Monkey Village, Grandma?”

Blanche: “Why, yes, darlin'. We can go anywhere and do anything you want on God's magnificent Earth.”

Janet: “ Boy, you're sure in a good mood for a Sunday mornin'. Uh-oh. Sarah and I can wait in the kitchen if you need a few minutes to say goodbye to Uncle whoever.”

Brooklyn: A Fairyland

Sophia: “Oh, pussycat, I think you haven't changed a bit since your prom.”

Dorothy: “Really?”

Sophia: “No, I'm lying. Gee, why do you press me on these things?”

Dorothy: “Look, you're not going to spoil this for me. Tonight, I get to be the person I want to be. No baggage. I am free. Nobody has to know that I haven't fulfilled my dreams, or that I got pregnant in high school, or that I stay home on Saturday nights.”

Sophia: “Then what the hell am I supposed to talk about?”

Insult Watch

Rose: “To tell you the truth, I think I'm a little afraid.”

Blanche: “Afraid of what?”

Rose: “Afraid of looking stupid.”

Sophia: “Ho!”

Rose: “I think this whole thing is wrong. I mean, we're going to this reunion and deceiving people and changing our past histories. To me, that's almost like lying. And that's against everything I am.”

Dorothy: “Rose, what's the natural color of your hair?”

Rose: “I'll get the car.”

Product Placement

Sophia: “Look at this. Vaseline. Bengay. Oh wow, look at this wonderful thermometer! Ouch! Stop me, I'm like a kid in a candy store!”

Dorothy: “Ma, don't take that stuff.”

Sophia: “Come on, Pussycat. They expect us to take it. It's like hotel soap.”

Sassy Sophia

Dorothy: “Ma, what's wrong with you? You've been leaving the toilet seat up all week.”

Sophia: “Thank God, I thought I was losin' weight.”

Blanche: “Girls, you've gotta help me. What is somethin' the three of us could do together?”

Sophia: “Well, we could sneak into Rose's room, put on some of her hayseed dresses, then do imitations of her-”

Blanche: “No, no, no, not the three of us. I mean Janet and Sarah and I.”

Sophia: “Oh, the three of you. I don't care.”

Back in St. Olaf

Rose: “I just got a letter from back home all about my high school reunion. I didn't know I was gonna miss such a good time. Listen to this, ‘Dear Rose, you sure did miss a good time. The precision drill team wasn't the same without you. We could only spell out St. Oaf.’”

Dorothy: “You know, Rose, you didn't get to go to your high school reunion because you weren't feeling well. Maybe if you'd been to see a doctor, you could've gone.”

Rose: “You don't understand. I'm from St. Olaf. St. Olaf is farm country. We're rough and rugged. We never see doctors. Never. In fact, my great-grandfather once removed his neighbor's appendix and he wasn't even sick.”

Dorothy: “Why would he do that?”

Rose: “Let's just say they were playing poker and the stakes got a little high.”

Best of B.E.D.

Blanche: “Oh this is all my fault. This is all my fault.”

Dorothy: “Blanche, what are you talking about?

Blanche: “Well, don't you see? I was the one who knew she wasn't feelin' well, and yet I insisted she go to that old reunion. How can I be so self-centered? I couldn't even hear a cry for help. Oh, all I ever think about is me. Me, me, me, me, me, me, me!”

Dorothy: “Blanche, we all knew she wasn't feeling well.”

Blanche: “Do you mind, I'm talkin' about me.”

Blanche: “Dear God, I know it's been an awful long time since I've done this, and I'm sorry. You have given me a lot to be thankful for. My wonderful children, my health, a beautiful body, legs to die for. A face that is stunningly sexy and yet has the innocence of a child, with luscious lips that just invite...

Dorothy: “He knows what you look like, Blanche.”

Blanche: “Yes, you know what I look like and I just wanted to say good job. Oh but, dear God, I do have a favor to ask. Could you please spare my friend Rose? Now, I know I haven't been perfect, but if you can just let her live, I promise I'll try to be a better person. And if, in your infinite wisdom, you decide to start the aging process on me, I will understand. And I promise I will not have sex with anyone... unless they really, really need it. Amen.”

Blanche: “I thought maybe the three of us could go to church together just like good people.”

Janet: “Oh, you know how I feel about organized religion. It makes me crazy. And I do not want Sarah's head filled with stories about a God who may or may not exist.”

Blanche: “Well honey, of course He exists. Just look at the beautiful sky, the majestic trees. God created man and gave him a heart and a mind and thighs that could crack walnuts.”

Janet: “Mother!”

Blanche: “Oh, I'm sorry. I came to religion late.”

Janet: “I'd say.”

Blanche: “But it's never too late. And it is my fervent hope that the three of us, you and I and dear little Sarah, may walk the path of righteousness together. And now, if you will excuse me, I have Gideon Bibles for everyone.”

Sarah: “I miss sexy Grandma.”

Janet: “I'm sure a lot of people do, darlin'. I'm sure a lot of people do.”

Sweet, Single-Digit-IQ Rose

Pete Fielder: “Hi, I'm Pete Fielder.”

Blanche: “Senior class president.”

Rose: “Oh my God, it's the president!”

Blanche: “Rose!”

Dorothy: “I'm gonna try something. Look, there's a tar salesman.”

Rose: “Oh my God, it's a tar salesman!”

Dorothy Zbornak is My Spirit Animal

Dorothy: “Oh, God, you know I really hate reunions. I mean, everybody is so plastic and fake. Everybody pretending to be something they're not. Why can't people just be themselves?”

Tommy Lundt: “Cindy Lou Peeples?”

Dorothy: “Tommy Lunt??”

Both: “AAAHHH!!!”

Tommy Lundt: “So I guess the most interesting thing about the tar business is... Well, actually, I have to pick two things because it's impossible to pick one. Well, anyway, the two most interesting things about the tar business are the tar itself, and the number of shoes you go through. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm probably boring you. Enough about me. Let's talk about you. So, where do you get your tar?” “

Dorothy: “I lost my first husband in a tar pit. Excuse me.”

Literary Intelligentsia

Dorothy: “You know, this is ridiculous, but I say let's do it. It'll be a lark.”

Blanche: “We'll be just like the Three Musketeers. All for one...”

Sophia: “And one for all!”

Dorothy: “Oh, wait a minute. What about Ma?”

Sophia: “Thank you, Pussycat.”

Dorothy: “We'll have to get a sitter.”

Blanche: “No more sitters. We're still in litigation with the last one.”

Sophia: “She bit me first.”

Golden Quotes

Blanche: “Now, I'm gonna go by the school library and pick up some old yearbooks. We have to know all the basics. You know, like, oh, senior class president, quarterback of the football team, class slut.”

Dorothy: “Blanche, how do you tell a slut from a yearbook?”

Rose: “Oh. How do you tell a slut from a yearbook? Um... You don't have to buy a yearbook dinner. You can take a yearbook home to your parents. There's nothing wrong with having a yearbook on the coffee table.”

Dorothy: “Rose, this isn't a riddle!”

Rose: “Well, make it one. I had three good answers!”

Rose: “When no one was looking, I went by the ‘no show’ table and I got four nametags for us. Blanche, you'll be Susan Armstrong. And, Dorothy, you'll be Cindy Lou Peeples. And, Sophia, you're Myron Zucker.”

Sophia: “Rose, you idiot. There's no way I'm ever gonna pass for a man. Dorothy, trade with me?”

Dorothy: “Go to hell, Myron. Rose, I don't wanna wear this.”

Rose: “Oh come on. I looked in the yearbook and you're a dead ringer for Cindy Lou Peeples.”

Dorothy: “I don't know.”

Rose: “Trust me. It'll work or my name isn't Kim Fung-Toi.”

Larry Tucker: “Excuse me. Aren't you Mrs. Gonzales? Spanish 101?”

Sophia: “Si.”

Larry Tucker: “Hi, Larry Tucker. You know, I... I was always afraid to tell you this when I was in your class, but I had a huge crush on you back then.”

Sophia: “Why didn't you ever do anything about it?”

Larry Tucker: “Mrs. Gonzales, you were my teacher!”

Sophia: “And you were my favorite student. But I'm not your teacher anymore, and Mr. Gonzales is dead. Let's mambo.”

Ted O' Brien: “Susan? Susan Armstrong?”

Blanche: “Ted? Ted O' Brien? My, my, my. Why, you would not believe how often I've thought about you over the years.”

Ted O' Brien: “I'll bet. I remember our one date when I told you I didn't like girls and you told everyone. Everyone. Well, guess what? I still don't like girls and I don't like you!”

Blanche: “Ted? Ted! Oh who cares.”

Bill: “Well, if it isn't Susan Armstrong.”

Blanche: “Oh, and don't you look handsome, Bill. Wow, you haven't aged a bit. I've missed you.” 

Bill: “Really, Susan? How about our baby? The one my parents raised? Do you ever miss HIM??”

Blanche: “You know, it isn't really good to dwell on the past. Um, so what do you do for a livin'? Bill? Bill? Oh who cares.”

Man: “Cindy Lou Peeples? You look incredible.”

Dorothy: “Well, thank you. You remember our Korean exchange student, Kim Fung-Toi?”

Man: “Oh, sure. You look different.”

Rose: “Different on outside. Same on inside.”

Pete Fielder: “And now, the king and queen of the prom: Danny Farrell and Cindy Lou Peeples!” 

Dorothy: “I'm queen! I'm queen! Oh, Ma, Ma, I'm queen of the prom!”

Sophia: “I'm proud of you, Cindy Lou.”

Dorothy: “I'm queen.”

Slophia: “This is sad. This is so sad.”

Sophia: “We all got a second chance. I realized I wasn't living up to my potential. I'm gonna find out what I'm good at. Take an aptitude test. Maybe go to law school.”

Dorothy: “Oh, Ma, come on, you'll be 96 when you get out.”

Sophia: “I'll be 96 anyway.”

Dorothy: “Well, since everyone is making promises, and in celebration of Rose's miraculous recovery, I've decided I'm gonna go out more. What, she's gonna be a lawyer and I can't go out??”

Rose: “You know, I've never been afraid of dying. That's 'cause I'm not gonna stay dead. I'm gonna get frozen. I read a magazine article on cryogenics. I mean, they freeze you, and then when they find a cure for what you've got, they bring you back to life.”

Dorothy: “Rose, there is no proof of that working.”

Rose: “Oh they've had great success with the Arctic beetle.”

Blanche: “You have nothin' in common with the Arctic beetle.”

Dorothy: “Think that one through.”


I absolutely LOVE this two-part penultimate episode. Even though it takes a surprisingly dramatic turn, it is so stuffed with laughs and classic lines that, to me, it rivals the Libertine Belle episode in the quotability department. The girls heading to a local class reunion for a high school they didn’t attend is certainly silly stuff but not so crazy that it isn’t somewhat believable. The real fun is in the people they randomly end up “impersonating.” Of course all of the Kim Fung-Toi stuff hasn’t aged well considering how poorly this show has depicted Asian characters but it’s hard not to laugh at the silliness - and pure Rose-ness – of Rose picking up the most foreign sounding name at the no-show table for herself. The joke that Dorothy - as the awesomely named Cindy Lou Peeples -  ends up as the girl who was the Prom Queen is a purely joyful and hilarious moment for her. Everything at the reunion is hilarious. I can quote the entire sequence. They’re even able to wring laughs from Rose literally fainting and hitting the floor. “You see what you’ve done! You’ve upset Kim Fung-Toi!” The show has always balanced laughs and drama very well. And you feel the seriousness of Rose being rushed to the hospital especially since the series was so close to ending. And the shocking and abrupt ending when they find out Rose went into cardiac arrest and has to have emergency surgery is a sobering and classic cliffhanger moment. GRADE: A


1 comment:

  1. As I'm sure you know, Marc Cherry went on to reuse the name Cindy Lou Peeples early in the run of Desperate Housewives. She was a classmate of one of Lynette's then-elementary-age sons, who took him up on his "you show it to me, I'll give you a treat" idea.