Forgive Me, Father (S2E18)

Synopsis: Dorothy begins dating a co-worker and is surprised to find out he's actually a priest; Sophia prepares for a bingo game.

80s Flashback

Rose, after realizing Frank is a priest: “I'm so sorry Hell Town was canceled...”

That’s What She Said

Rose, after Sophia makes offensive hand gestures: “Sophia, isn't that obscene?”

Sophia: “No. They mean, 'good health,' 'have a nice day,' and 'would you like to squeeze my concertina?'"

Take Me Out to the Ballgame, Stanley

Sophia, looking for her lucky handkerchief: “I'm getting my kit together for a major bingo game and it's not here. There's no way I can play without it, it's like Kareem without his goggles.”

Lewd Ladies

Father Leahy: “She's just never seen me in cleric's clothing.”

Blanche: “I didn't know you priests could take your clothes off.”

Father Leahy: “We do a lot of things real people do.”

Blanche: “Except for one very important thing. Boy, is that gonna put a hitch in Dorothy's plans.”

Zbornak Zingers

Blanche, pretending to be Dorothy: “Why, Frank, you know I've been thinking, this is the third Saturday of our relationship and I don't even know what you like to eat. Why don't you come over for dinner this Saturday night and let me find out what... whets your appetite.”

Dorothy: “And what are you serving for dessert, Blanche, penicillin?”

Insult Watch

Rose: “Maybe he just doesn't like her.”

Dorothy: “Thank you, Rose. Incidentally, you look fat.”

Tales from the Old South

Blanche: “I was in a very similar situation once and he was a man of the cloth. Oh totally dedicated to his vocation or so he said, but his eyes told me he was dedicated to me. Now, we both knew it was wrong and we fought our feelings with every bone in our hot, longing, writhin' bodies. Finally, it was just too much for us and we gave up and checked into a Best Western.”

Dorothy: “You had an affair with a priest?!”

Blanche: “A priest? I didn't say he was a priest I said he was a man of the cloth, he was a fabric salesman. You know we never made love again after that, but he did cover my La-Z-Boy for free.”

Sassy Sophia

Sophia: “I got my lucky handkerchief. I can't lose.”

Rose: “Where did you find it?”

Sophia: “In my bra.”

Rose: “In your bra? What was your lucky handkerchief doing in there?”

Sophia: “I was blowing my breasts, Rose.”

Back in St. Olaf

Rose: “When Charlie and I started dating, I got the feeling that his folks didn't like me. That's when I decided to get to the bottom of things and I found out about the ancient feud between the Nylunds and the Gorkleknabygens. That was my mother's maiden name. Originally, it was Gorkleknabygen-Höffstädlerfrau. But they shortened it cause most of my mother's family were in show business. Anyway, when Charlie told them that we were gonna get married, they forbade it. They said they'd disown him if he married..”

Dorothy & Blanche: “...a Gorkleknabygen...”

Rose: “Right! And he'd lose his share of the family tile grout fortune. He didn't care. He told them he loved me more than grout.”

Blanche: “Must have been a tough choice for old Charlie.”

Best of B.E.D.

Dorothy: “How do I look?”

Blanche: “Go back and change. Oh honey, that outfit might be alright for a gay funeral in New Orleans, but it's too, much too subtle for this evening. Dorothy, put on something flashy. Flashy. Something colorful.”

Dorothy: “That's really not me, Blanche.”

Blanche: “I know, honey, but take a chance. Be a woman!”

Reel References

Dorothy: “I'll do it my own way.”

Sophia: “If you do it your way, you'd better use Jane Fonda's body, otherwise, it'll be just four of us for dinner.”

The Boob Tube

Dorothy: “My luck. The first really wonderful guy I've met in a long time and he turns out to have a more serious involvement.” 

Rose: “With whom?” 

Dorothy: “Pam Dawber!!”

Golden Quotes

Frank Leahy: “You look lovely tonight.”

Dorothy: “I look like the mother of a Solid Gold dancer.”

Critique: “Forgive Me, Father” is a simply delightful episode that very much mirrors the season one episode “A Little Romance” except this time it's Dorothy who's dating someone the girls didn't expect. However, the writing here isn't quite as crisp but still funny nonetheless. The centerpiece scene is the exquisite dinner sequence in which every lady has a great standout moment... Blanche blabbering at the front door, “Now I'm lying to priest.” Rose's slow realization that Frank is a priest, “He's a priest isn't he!?” Dorothy, upon seeing Frank in his cleric clothes for the first time: “Please tell me that's a Nehru jacket.” And finally Sophia's entrance and simple “come here” to Dorothy is a testament to the greatness of Estelle Getty. There are other good moments, but yet again Sophia doesn't really get much to do and the subplot about her playing bingo is really just an excuse to have her out of the best segment of the episode. But like other great episodes there is definitely a lot to love here. If Father Leahy looks familiar, actor John McMartin was most recently seen in a season one episode of “Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt,” though he passed away in 2016. GRADE: B+

Bedtime Story (S2E17)

Synopsis: The girls have guests coming into town so they reminisce about past bedtime experiences

80s Flashback

Rose: “I forgot to say my prayers.”

Dorothy: “Oh Rose, God wouldn't mind if you skipped a night. He's very busy these days. Most of his free time is spent talking to Pat Robertson.”

Crazy Continuity

So, it's implied in the second vignette that Blanche came to Miami “for eligible men.” But Blanche was married to George and raised her kids in Miami. Uh what? Maybe that's why she STAYED in Miami?

Also, we learn Dorothy always wanted to try a nudist camp. So why did she freak out on Rose in the Valentine's Day episode??

Musical Moments

Rose: “My cousin Milo's coming, don't you remember? He's gonna be in town for the 14th Annual Hog Expo.”

Dorothy: “Is it the 14th Annual already? It seems just like yesterday it was the 12th Annual. Sunrise, sunset/Sunrise, sunset.”

That’s What She Said

Sophia: “She was more in the mood for something that wouldn't test her gag reflex.”

Lewd Ladies

Blanche: “Did you hear that sound?”

Sophia: “Yeah, and as long as I'm in my own bed, I'll do what I WANT!”

Zbornak Zingers

Blanche: “Dorothy, didn't you ever have something you always wanted to do, you know some kind of secret desire you always kept on the back burner?”

Dorothy: “I always wanted to try a nudist camp.”

Train Attendant: “Some big pots belong on the back burner.”

Dorothy: “Uh, don't you have a cousin you should be dating??”

Oh Shut Up, Rose!

Sophia: “What the hell is everyone so particular about? In Sicily, four in a bed is a treat. It means half your family is on vacation. I slept with my two brothers until I was 17. I was engaged to one for a very short period of time. But that's a separate story.”

Rose: “I wouldn't mind hearing it!”

Dorothy: “Shut up, Rose!”

Insult Watch

Rose: “I never do very much with my eyebrows.”

Blanche: “That's why, from the nose up, you look like Wilfred Brimley.”

Product Placement

Dorothy: “I'm freezing to death. You're the only one who has an electric blanket.”

Sophia: “I'll die under here with you. Your body is like a heat sponge. You'll suck up all the heat and I'll get up in the morning a frozen fish stick.”

Dorothy: “Ma, don't be ridiculous. Just turn up the heat.”

Sophia: “It's already on nine. On ten you can cook a Lean Cuisine.”

Sassy Sophia

Blanche: “It couldn't be any worse than trying to sleep on a hard wooden bench in the middle of a railway station.”

Sophia: “Boy, you do it anyplace don't you Blanche?”

Back in St. Olaf

Rose tells Blanche about the St. Olaf Slasher who would sneak into unsuspecting farmers' fields and mercilessly slash their scarecrows to shreds.

Best of B.E.D.

Blanche: “Dorothy, I swear you snore worse than a sailor passed out at an adult motel after a night of unbridled passion while I had to call a cab to take me ho- never mind.”

Golden Quotes

Dorothy, pretending to be God: “Rose thanks for the lovely prayer... now shut up and get into bedddd.”

Rose: “AMEN!”

and

Blanche, telling a frightened Rose a bedtime story: “...until finally they got so sick and tired of Rose annoying them that they went off to sleep someplace else. And two big ol' escaped convicts snuck in through the window and murdered Rose IN HER SLEEP!!”

and

Station Attendant: “Now y'all may think this sounds kinda silly, but we actually printed "Our trains leave early" right on the town seal.”

Rose: “You have a town seal? Can he play a song on those little horns?”

Station Attendant: “No, but he can balance a ball on his nose if you throw him a catfish first.”

Blanche: “This is like The Twilight Zone. Somehow we got on a train that ended up inside Rose's mind.”

and

Rose: “Excuse me, Mr. Clown. Could you do something to put smiles on the faces of three Gloomy Guses?”

Mr. Clown: “Buzz off, lady. I'm on a cigarette break.”

Critique: Is it just me or is Miami the last place you'd find an annual Hog Expo? Maybe I'm just ignorant. Anyways, I always love the “flashback” episodes that feature new footage. These vignettes are always some of the show's all-time best moments and “Bedtime Story” is no exception. The centerpiece sequence involves the four girls snuggling under Sophia's electric blanket during a cold spell. Why anyone in Miami would own an electric blanket is beyond me but again I've never lived in southern Florida. I've also never been an 80 year-old woman (Which is funny because I'm pretty sure I AM an 80 year-old woman trapped inside a 33 year-old man's body). But I digress. This is an all-time classic GG moment and is filled with quotable line after quotable line. This may, in fact, be the first entire scene that I ever knew all by heart. There are too many specific moments to recall here but there are two I want to mention specifically. First, I love a good fart joke and Sophia nails hers here and second, Dorothy pretending to be God is a top ten Dorothy moment for sure. The other vignettes involve Blanche comforting Rose after she hears about convict escaping from a prison in Georgia, one with Sophia taking care of Dorothy who's sick with bronchitis, and one with the girls spending a night at a train station with a bunch of circus clowns. As a final note, Dorothy must be a ninja because she's able to clear off her entire plate of chipped beef and stash it in Sophia's purse in complete darkness in about 3 seconds. Impressive, Ms. Zbornak. GRADE: A

And Then There Was One (S2E16)

Synopsis: Sophia participates in a somewhat questionable “walkathon,” while Rose, Blanche, and Dorothy babysit for the participants' kids; they eventually realize that an infant left in their care has been abandoned.

80s Flashback

Dorothy: “Who could that be at this hour?”

Sophia: “Who do you think, the paparazzi. Now I know why Sean Penn gets so ticked off!”

That’s What She Said

Dorothy: “Creamed what was left on his pants??”

Take Me Out to the Ballgame, Stanley

Emily's father: “I did call. Last night. I spoke to a woman who said she'd just won the Ironman Triathlon.”

Sophia: “I don't remember this guy calling.”

Lewd Ladies

Blanche: “I like to sit.”

Sophia: “We know, it's your second favorite position.”

Zbornak Zingers

Dorothy, after getting off the phone with the police: “He said since Emily's parents left her in our care, we do have two options. We can either wait for the Children's Protective Services to contact us, which should take about 48 hours, or we can take her in.”

Rose: “Take her in... where?”

Dorothy: “Around the inseam, Rose.”

Insult Watch

Rose: “Norman, would you like to play with a Potato Head?”

Norman: “Sure, what do you feel like doing?”

Product Placement

Sophia: “Easily a personal best. It was electric. The starter fired his pistol into the air and like a shot I left half my competition in the dust.”

Rose: “You were that fast?”

Sophia: “No, it was the over 80 category, most of them dropped from fright... So, finally, the race was underway. I start off slow. I'm cagey, like a panther, but when the time is right, I pounce. The crowd is on its feet. 'Sophia. Sophia.' My heart is pounding in my ears. But then again, it always pounds in my ears. I could see the finish line. It was only two or three hundred yards away. And then it happened. What every runner dreads: I hit the wall.”

Dorothy: “Ma, you ran out of steam?”

Sophia: “No, I actually hit a wall. They put up a new Wendy's on Collins Avenue. From what they told me, I picked myself up, staggered over the finish line, and collapsed. People are talkin' the covers of national magazines.”

Sassy Sophia

Sophia: “I signed up for the charity walkathon.” 

Dorothy: “Oh Ma, are you nuts? I mean this is for people who walk a lot!” 

Sophia: “So what do I do, hover? I've been walking since 1904.”

Sophia: “Rose, did I say a mother needs a child? I meant roommate. Give me $20.”

Rose: “What for?"

Sophia: "Seoul, Korea, 1988. The Olympics. I'd like to be there competing for the USA. Contribute now, and I'll make sure you a Sophia lapel pin.”

Rose: “OK! Good luck. We'll be watching.”

Sophia: “Thanks. And Dorothy, if Gladys calls, tell her I'll be able to make bingo tonight.”

Back in St. Olaf

Rose: “I love charities. In fact, I helped establish the Henry Fjord Foundation... Henry Fjord was a saint. He dedicated his whole life to eliminating pond scum from Lake St Olaf. His son, however, was a big disappointment. Henry Fjord Jr. He didn't want to follow in his father's footsteps. He thought scum was beneath him.”

later…

Rose: “I was almost abandoned. I was nine. It was the last night of the Deep-Root Vegetable Carnival, and I was having the greatest time. Eating candied turnips, and guessing how many sweet potatoes were in the glass jar. Bobbing for yams. I had a knack of always coming up with the firmest, most appealing yams.”

Blanche: “I was once told I had the firmest, most appealing gams.”

Dorothy: “Blanche, try and stay with us.”

Rose: “Anyway, the last time I surfaced, clutching a humdinger of a yam between my teeth, my parents were gone. Well frantically, I searched the carnival grounds. I was convinced I'd spend the rest of my days with the bearded lady as my foster mother, and the man who hoses down the elephants as my dad. Anyway, I was lost. And scared. But then I did what generations before me had done. I gazed up into that dark night sky and found the bright star that could guide me home.”

Dorothy: “The North Star.”

Rose: “Actually, it was the Texaco star. From a service station across the street. Our farm was just down the road from it.”

Dorothy: “Rose, honey, have you been washing the fruit off before you eat it?”

Best of B.E.D.

Blanche: “Now here's something here. How 'bout sponging.”

Dorothy: “What? What's that?”

Blanche: “It says here, spongers help cool off the walkers by spongin' and rubbin' down their hot bodies as they pump their way through greater Miami.”

Reel References

Rose: “Norman, I'd like you to meet my friends, this is Dorothy.”

Dorothy: “Hello Norman.”

Norman: “It's the Bride of Frankenstein!”

Golden Quotes

Blanche: “Why does she keep crying like that?”

Rose: “Oh she probably just misses her mother and needs to hear a feminine voice.”

Dorothy: “And what was I doing, my Ben Gazzara impersonation?”

and

Blanche: “I didn't hate changing diapers, but I was never any good at it. Especially with the boys. Seemed like they always had dry bottoms but wet T-shirts, cause I always forgot to point their little oo-hoos south.”

Rose: “What's an oo-hoo?”

Dorothy: “It's a chocolate soft drink.”

Rose: “I never had one.”

and of course:

Rose: “My mother always used to say, 'The older you get the better you get. Unless you're a banana.”

Critique: Is anyone extremely confused about what kind of charity event actually took place in this episode? They keep referring to it as a walkathon. So I picture something like a Relay for Life where the point is to walk and raise money. But then it appears to be a road race (Sophia wears a bib with a number on it). And then Sophia's recount implies the event was, in fact, a race. Huh? But I digress. This has always been one of my favorite episodes and it's mostly a nostalgia thing. This was one of the first episodes I remember watching when I first started getting into “The Golden Girls” as they began their syndication run on Lifetime. I can't even recall how many times I've recounted Sophia's brilliant walkathon monologue. The episode kind of recalls the events of “End of the Curse” when the ladies thought they may be raising another child. And it's also similar to the beginning of the “Bringing Up Baby” episode before they realize the baby is, in fact, a pig. There are some really funny moments here. We're really far into season two and you can tell the writers are having fun. We get TWO St. Olaf stories. The characters are finally getting into their grooves. Also, for some reason I always thought that bratty little Norman and Daisy the Sunshine Cadet must have been siblings. They're both little dicks. The episode threatens to go into melodramatic overload in its third act but we really get a great sense of Blanche's character and her complicated relationships with her adult children. Rue really nails it even if it does a get a bit cheesy as she's forced to act opposed a ball of blankets that's supposed to be “Emily” and we hear the most fake baby cries ever put on television. GRADE: A-

Before & After (S2E15)

Synopsis: Rose suffers from an esophageal spasm, “dies,” and quickly gets a new lease on life which causes a rift in the household, prompting her to move out.

Let’s Get Political

Sophia: “Rose, before you go, I just want to give you a little advice. Sometimes in life, you start out down one path. Suddenly, the wind changes direction, and you find yourself swimming upstream, looking for new horizons.”

Dorothy: “Ma, what the hell does that mean?”

Sophia: “Don't get smart with me. If I was a short, bald guy in a diaper spouting this gibberish, I'd be running India.”

Lewd Ladies

Blanche: “I am abhorred.”

Sophia: “We know what you are Blanche, I'm glad to finally hear you admit it.”

Blanche: “Sophia, I said abhorred.”

Sophia: “Abhorred, a slut, a tramp, it's all the same thing.”

Picture It

Sophia: “Picture this. 90 year-old twins Ralph and Nunzio are sitting on a park bench. Ralph says to Nunzio, 'Hey, whatever happened to that streaking craze?' and Nunzio says, 'What streaking craze?' and Ralph says, 'You know when everybody would take off their clothes and ran down the street.' So Nunzio says, 'Hey that sounds like fun. I think I'll do it right now.' So, 90 years old, he gets naked and goes off down the street, right past these two old ladies, Carlotta and Maria. Maria turns to Carlotta and says, 'What the hell was that??' And Carlotta says, 'I don't know, but whatever it was, it sure needs ironing.' Dorothy: “Ma, what's the point?”

Sophia: “With a story, you get a point. With an anecdote, pure entertainment.”

Zbornak Zingers

Blanche, going through gifts she bought for her and Dorothy: “This is for me. This is for me. This is for me. This was for you, but it's so cute, now it's for me. This is for you.”

Dorothy: “Edible panties. What a lovely sentiment. Thank you.”

Blanche: “You really like them?”

Dorothy: “Like 'em? I love 'em. In fact, I may have the waistband with some milk before I go to bed tonight.”

Insult Watch

Dorothy: “Oh Joanie Winston's getting married, how lovely! I wonder how she'll fix the hair on her ears?”

Tales from the Old South

Dorothy: “Blanche, you dated Tony Bennett?”

Blanche: “I did more than date him. He aye have left his heart in San Francisco, but he left his shorts on my radiator.”

Product Placement

Sophia: “I'm going to the cafeteria. My canasta club gives this hospital's JELL-O three stars.”

Sassy Sophia

Sophia: “Hi, cookie. How are you feeling?”

Rose: “Oh fine, Sophia. But I did die. I died and went to heaven.”

Sophia: “That's nice... Find out what pills they gave her and ask for a doggie bag.”

Back in St. Olaf

We learn that Rose's Uncle Johannsen died after getting hit in the mouth with a steam shovel.

Best of B.E.D.

Blanche: “I cannot believe it is Saturday night, and I, Blanche Devereaux, the most witty, stunning, criminally sensuous woman to come out of the South since Miss Tallulah Bankhead, do not have a date.” Dorothy: “So? I don't have one either.”

Blanche: “What's your point?”

Reel References

Rose: “I died. I died and went to heaven.”

Dorothy: “Rose, honey, you didn't die. You passed out. You hallucinated. Remember that New Year's Eve when you had the three margaritas? You thought you were an animated broom in 'Fantasia?'”

Golden Quotes

Sophia: “When you get my age you get pretty good at spotting the twelve warning signs of death. Number one: your children start visiting during the week. Number two: your doctor won't let you post-date a check. Number three: you can't eat cream of wheat because it's too spicy...”

Dr. Wallerstein: “Excuse me, are you the ladies who came in with Mrs Nylund? I'm Dr. Wallerstein. I've been treating her since she was brought in.”

Blanche: “Oh Dorothy, she's gonna be all right her doctor's a Jew!”

Dorothy: “Blanche, please. How is she, Dr. Jew? - Wallerstein.”

Rose: “I died and went to heaven. Well, it wasn't actually heaven proper. It was somewhere on the outskirts.” 

Blanche: “You died and went to a suburb of heaven?”

Critique: First of all, I want to know Sophia's other nine warning signs of death like right now. I also would of loved to meet Rose's new wild and crazy “beach friends.” For some reason, I always pictured a middle aged version of the vampire gang from “The Lost Boys.” Now let's all be real: I really like this episode, but it's utterly ridiculous, even by cheesy 80s sitcom standards. I never really bought for one second that Rose would have such a sharp personality change, but it makes for a fun story. Besides, a woman who begins to have wild and crazy beach friends would no longer wear sweaters with ducks on them. I also love how after moving out, Rose loses touch with her “beach friends,” like, a day later. She moves in with two stuffy bitches; why wouldn't she just move in with her new friends? In a rare occurrence on GG there is no real B story here and Rose gets the soul focus of the episode. It was fun to see Rose get to let loose a little and there are some really funny lines of dialogue. This is a completely solid episode though not to the level of great heights this season has seen before. GRADE: B+

The Actor (S2E14)

Synopsis: Mr. Patrick Vaughn, Dorothy's all-time FAVORITE TV actor, comes to Miami to star in a local community theater production and woos Blanche, Rose, and Dorothy - and every other female in the cast; Sophia gets a job at Captain Jack's Seafood Shanty which requires a Vasco da Gama-like uniform.

80s Flashback

Blanche: “We just want you to know how excited we are that an artist of your stature is gonna be performing in our little theatre.”

Mr. Patrick Vaughn: “Ladies, there are no small theatres, no small parts, only small actors.”

Rose: “Like Hervé Villechaize.”

Mr. Patrick Vaughn: “I was speaking metaphorically.”

Rose: “Oh please go on. That's such a beautiful language.”

Crazy Continuity

Doesn't Mr. Patrick Vaughn look just like Eduardo from “Rites of Spring?”

St. Olaf Vocab

Flugenachen – (n.) Scandinavian for someone who docks his boat in a handicap slip

That’s What She Said

Dorothy: “Are you wearing a sabre under your coat?”

Shady Pines, Ma

Dorothy: “Look, Ma, you're 81. Now working all day in a fast food place is too much for you. I absolutely forbid it.”

Sophia: “Really, warden? What are you gonna do, send me back to that crummy old folks home?”

Dorothy: “Ma, Shady Pines happens to be a beautiful retirement village.”

Sophia: “Yeah right. And Morley Safer just happened to wander in there by mistake.”

Lewd Ladies

Dorothy: “Rose, why don't we just show Mr Vaughn around the theatre?”

Blanche: “Well why don't I just do that myself since I've had the most experience performing here.”

Dorothy: “Blanche, the parking lot doesn't count. I'll do it.”

Zbornak Zingers

Dorothy: “There was something special about him. He made me feel beautiful.”

Blanche: “He made me feel young.”

Rose: “He made me feel smart.”

Dorothy: “God, what an actor.”

Insult Watch

Dorothy: “We were talking about how humiliated we all were by Patrick.”

Rose: “You're right. I feel so common. So cheap. So used. How do you usually deal with that, Blanche?”

Product Placement

Rose: “I hate to admit it but he melts my Häagen-Dazs.”

Dorothy: “Rose, you tramp!”

Dorothy Zbornak is My Spirit Animal

Dorothy: “Rose. Look, Rose, it's... It's I... He's... I... We…Oooggg.”  

Sophia: “This is my daughter Dorothy, she's an English teacher.”

Sassy Sophia

Rose: “Sophia. Is that a Captain Jack Seafood Shanty uniform you're wearing?”

Sophia: “No, Rose. I'm off to discover the Straits of Magellan Yo ho!”

Best of B.E.D.

Mr. Patrick Vaughn: “I'm afraid I popped your bosom!”

Blanche: “Don't you worry about a thing, Patrick. My backup pair can take a lot more punishment.”

Reel References

Blanche: “You are never gonna guess who we got to star in this year's production at the Community Theatre!”

Dorothy: “Oh Blanche, please. You say that every year. And every year, we end up with Miami's answer to Meryl Streep: Phyllis Hammerow. She stinks.”

Golden Quotes

Rose: “Oh I thought she was terrific last year in 'The Diary of Anne Frank.'”

Dorothy: "Oh Rose please, during the entire second act the audience kept yelling, 'She's in the attic! She's in the attic!'”

Mr. Patrick Vaughn, distracted by Blanche's large, fake breasts: "The moon is hangin' awful low in the sky tonight, isn't it, Busty!"

Critique: "Evening fellow Wykahatchiite." Oh Mr. Patrick Vaughn, where do we even begin? I'm pretty sure the moment Blanche reveals her “bosom” to Mr. Patrick Vaughn during the audition might be the loudest response from the studio audience thus far in the series. They literally lose their shit, including one woman who literally screams like she just saw the real life inspiration for the cake from the Get It While It's Hot Erotic Bake Shop. But I digress. Of course they're losing their minds; this scene is brilliant and hilarious and Rue kills it. It's such a fun physical gag that the show hadn't really seen before. I'd also love to assume that this was the inspiration for the “hydro-bra episode” of “Will & Grace.” So, if there's anything I love more on GG than the girls losing their shit over money shenanigans it's losing their shit over the same guy they've all got the hots for. Mr. Patrick Vaughn is the man of the hour. But wasn't it practically yesterday they were obsessing over Mr. Burt Reynolds? And just the fact that Blanche always prefaces any dream man of hers with “Mr.” is one of the most perfect and brilliantly subtle aspects of the character. Anywho. Patrick Vaughn turns out to be Hollywood sleaze in a yellow cardigan as he makes his way through the entire community theatre like a bad case of herpes. The episode has a lot of really great physical humor and functions appropriately like a fun, theatrical farce. Dorothy being thrown to the floor might be one of my favorite bits of physical comedy in the entire series. For some reason, watching the hulking Bea Arthur being dropped to the ground is an image that will stay with me for my entire life. Not only does this episode revel in outstanding physical humor, the dialogue is sharp as a tack. Every other line is quote-worthy ("And as God as my witness, I will never shampoo your hair again!") Like the best episodes, the plot is purposefully silly but “The Actor” really is a standout episode and definitely ranks as one of my all-time favorites. This is top-notch GG. Fun Fact: If you look carefully you'll see Rue is wearing knee pads under her wardrobe in the scene where she gets tossed to the floor. GRADE: A

The Stan Who Came to Dinner (S2E13)

Synopsis: The girls take in Stan who's recovering from heart surgery, but begins to take advantage of their hospitality.

80s Flashback

Dorothy: “Blanche, you were unfaithful to George?”

Blanche: “Oh of course not, I was only flirting. There's nothing wrong with that. It keeps you healthy, keeps you in shape. Keeps your buttocks firm.”

Dorothy: “And I wasted all that time on Jazzercise.”

That’s What She Said

Stan: “She didn't mean a thing to me. She was a waitress in a little Greek diner on the way to work. Every time I’d come in she'd put some rolls on the table and say, 'Can I butter your buns, Stan?'”

Take Me Out to the Ballgame, Stanley

Sophia, watching TV: “You call that wrestling, you pansy? If you can't take a crotch slam like a man, get outta the business!”

Lewd Ladies

Rose: “This is not just a plate, mister. This is a family heirloom. It's Great-Great-Grandma Nylund's ceremonial wedding plate...The bride's family fills the plate with fruit and then at the wedding all the guests eat from it. And when the last piece is gone, that's when the bride and groom leave to start their wedding night, which takes place in a tent or a Best Western. The Vikings have always been a very progressive people. Anyway, that's when it's time for the husband to symbolically 'offer himself' to his new bride… on the plate.”

Stan: “Yeck! I ate a tuna sandwich on that plate this afternoon.”

Rose: “Stan, I'm never going to forgive you for this. My niece is getting married in the spring. What's her husband gonna do?”

Blanche: “I bet a gravy boat would work in a pinch.”

Zbornak Zingers

Sophia: “Finally going ahead with that hair transplant?”

Stan: “Sophia, not everyone knows this isn't real.”

Dorothy: “Oh please Stevie Wonder could tell it's a rug.”

Insult Watch

Blanche: “Stanley, don't you think it's kind of a coincidence you get a relapse on the very day the doctor says you're ready to move back into your own apartment?”

Stan: “What can I say, the heart's a funny organ.”

Blanche: “I bet most of your organs get a laugh.”

Product Placement

Sophia: “You Blanche, I have a recurring dream. John Cameron Swayze straps a Timex to my chin and tosses me across an icy pond. I looked it up in a book of symbols but it wasn't there.”

Sassy Sophia

Bob: “We're twins.”

Rob: “We're here to see Blanche.”

Sophia: “I guess she's back on the vitamins.”

Back in St. Olaf

Rose: “Sometimes people need help making decisions. That's the way it was with Thor. Our pet lamb. From the time he was first separated from his mother, he wouldn't eat, he wouldn't sleep, he wouldn't frolic with the other sheep. You're slipping into verse, Rose. Keep it simple. Daddy got the idea of taking this old inner tube, wrapping it in wool and putting it next to Thor's bed at night. We named it Brun Hilda. And believe it or not it did the trick. Thor felt like he was back with his mother and he began eating and sleeping… and frolicking, yes! But then one day, Thor got playful and accidentally bit Brun Hilda. The poor little guy just stood there, watching his mother deflate before his very eyes. He was never the same after that. Oh sure, once in a while he'd baaa at the back tires of a parked car. But for the most part, he just kinda kept to himself.”

Dorothy: “I think I'm beginning to see your point.”

Blanche: “You do??”

Dorothy: “Who cares? You wanna hear the sequel?”

Best of B.E.D.

Blanche: “There's something strangely provocative about this evening. Oh of course I would never have a relationship with both twins at the same time, that would be obscene. Unless, of course, it was tastefully done.”

Literary Intelligentsia 

Dorothy: “Now, Stanley, it's time that you grew up. Happy birthday, Peter Pan.”

Golden Quotes
Rose: "Maybe I should drive a knit mobile!"
Sophia: "Maybe she should drive a nitwit mobile."

Rose: “We just wanted to stop by and wish you luck in case we don't see you again. Before you leave, for the hospital, not another world.” 

Blanche: “Let's not bother him anymore. Let Stan rest in peace.”

Critique: So before Stan goes in for his surgery he confesses all the times he fooled around on Dorothy. She seems so shocked that Stan of all people was cheating on her throughout their marriage. Duh. And apparently Strawberry Quik helps Stan fall asleep. That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard and I can't believe Dorothy wouldn't just give him a death stare. Anyways, this episode has always been just “alright” for me. I enjoy Stan in small doses, but sometimes his presence, especially in the earlier episodes aren't that exciting. I still think that it's weird for Dorothy to keep taking care of Stan every time he has a problem, which she admits at the end of the episode. And speaking of which, is it weird how abruptly the episode ends? I feel it would have been better if Stanley faked his relapse for the third act instead of the last three minutes. The best part is easily Rose's St. Olaf story about Brun Hilda. This season has seen much better episodes, including the one coming up… GRADE: B-

The Sisters (S2E12)

Synopsis: Dorothy surprises Sophia for her birthday by flying her Aunt Angela to Miami, but it turns out they hate each other.

That’s What She Said

Rose: “You can take your mop and put it where the herring don't swim.”

Lewd Ladies

Sophia: “Even though I've only made love in one position, I've led a very full life.”

Picture It

Angela: “Picture it. New York City. 1956. I was a young widow returning to Sicily. There I was on the boat alone, watching Lady Liberty grow smaller in the distance. When suddenly I heard a voice from the vicinity of my knees. I looked down. There was a midget. It turns out that his name was Pee-Wee Bonbunzi, and he was fleeing from the Mob. Well for the next few days, we ate together, laughed together, and went for short walks in circles. And then, one day, suddenly Pee-Wee disappeared. Well we docked in Sicily and I was going through customs and I noticed a strange odor coming from my suitcase. I thought it was the veal shank that I was bringing over for Mother's Day. But when the customs man opened the suitcase, there was Pee-Wee. Someone had stuffed him in my suitcase between the veal shank and my beaver coat. Well, the Mob had gotten Peewee after all… first I had to burn the suitcase and then the beaver coat. And the veal shank never did taste right.”

Zbornak Zingers

Rose: “I can keep a secret, Dorothy. I'll prove it to you. You tell me what you got for Sophia, and if I spill the beans, I'll give you my most prized possession.”
Dorothy: “Oh, no Rose, I couldn't do that. I couldn't accept your favorite album, Hans Klebnermeyer Yodels Beethoven.”

Insult Watch

Sophia: “You're nothing but a backstabbing Judas in sensible shoes.”

Angela: “Oh yeah? Well you know what you are? You're a two-lira tramp with cheap bridgework.”

Sophia: “May you put your dentures in upside down and chew your head off.”

Angela: “May your legs grow old and gnarled and withered like an olive branch. You should be so lucky.”

Sophia: “May your moles grow hair thicker than Jerry Vale's.”

Angela: “May your marinara sauce never cling to your pasta!”

Sophia: “That's it. Come here and say that to my face!”

Tales from the Old South

Blanche: “My sister Charmaine was insanely jealous of me from the time I was a gorgeous little infant. See she was one year ahead of me in school and we used to compete for everything. But there was one thing that Charmaine did excel at: cheerleadin'. Not only could she twirl that baton like a propeller, but she knew every cheer in the county. And she could twist her body into the shape of the letter R. Well, finally Charmaine decided it was her turn to be in the spotlight. She challenged me to compete against her for captain of the cheerleading squad. When the day came we had to perform in front of the entire school, and Charmaine was fantastic. She twirled those batons so fast, she looked like a DC3 comin' in for a landing. Then it was my turn. So I did some cartwheels and only fell once. I did a handstand and almost got my balance. And I only dropped my baton four times. And when I was finished, I was unanimously voted captain of the cheerleading squad. Underneath my regulation uniform, I was wearing little, black French lace panties. Bearing the words "bon jour". Or was it "bon appétit"? I don't remember. Anyway, it was something in French. I guess, nobody minded that I couldn't do a handstand, but they surely did appreciate me trying!”

Product Placement

Sophia: “Uh Rose, after dinner, what do you say we ride over to the Dairy Queen for a couple of chocolate cones? My treat.”

Rose: “With rainbow sprinkles? They're five cents extra.”

Sophia: “What the hell, I'm a sport.”

Back in St. Olaf

Rose: “It's like that old Scandinavian saying. 'You can let two angry mackerel fight it out in a purse, but don't ever plan on carrying that purse to a formal affair.'”

Best of B.E.D.

Rose: “I thought it was the size of a man's feet that were a sign of virility.”

Blanche: “Really? I always thought it was the number of newspapers piled up outside the motel room door.”

Reel References

Sophia: “Angela??”

Angela: “No, Gina Lollobrigida.”

The Boob Tube

Dorothy: “Ma, you want better presents, adopt Monty Hall.” 

Sophia: “I wish I could. Jewish sons are the best. They give great gifts, they always call, and you don't have to worry about them getting hurt playing sports.”

Golden Quotes

Blanche: “You see, I was a devastatingly beautiful child. Pink cheeks, cute little button nose, red ruby lips, adorable, little ringlet curls.”

Dorothy: “I was the tallest baby in the history of New York and had a rash on my head till I was two.”

Critique: SISSTAH!!! Whoops wrong sister. So, I don't know if it's just me, but at the birthday parties my family throws or attends, we usually have cake and open presents towards the end of the evening. So does that mean that Aunt Angela has literally been sitting alone in a room during the majority of Sophia's birthday party? (It's also one of those trademark GG parties where none of the other guests are allowed to talk out loud) Also, on another note, does anyone else want to see the look on Mrs. Stofer's face when Rose pinned her and her walker against a fence on a wide right turn? But I digress. Aunt Angela is probably one of the more likable family members that have made their way to 6151 Richmond St. Her first appearance is solid, though I think I prefer the one where they think she cooks up Count Bessie. Sophia and Angela work great off each other and Estelle and Nancy Walker could totally pass for siblings. This episode has several pretty good moments, though the second half suffers from so much backstory about why Angela and Sophia are feuding that its sort of easy to tune out. Angela's outlandish Pee-Wee story and Blanche's cheerleading anecdote are highlights. I would of loved an episode featuring Sophia, Angela, and their brother Angelo, but it wasn't meant to be. I guess you can only have so many guest stars at once on an 80s sitcom. GRADE: B+