Synopsis: In one
of the more outlandish storylines, Miles reveals to Rose that he’s
been in the witness protection program. Meanwhile, back on Earth,
Blanche wants to wear a dress and return it and Sophia’s friend
invites her to see Tony Bennett.
Lewd Ladies
Sophia: “Can you
believe it? Tony Bennett. What that man does to me with his voice
your father couldn't accomplish with his hands.”
Blanche: “Oh I
know what you're talking about, Sophia. There are men's voices that
get me going like that, too.”
Dorothy: “Blanche,
there are men's socks that can get you going like that.”
Brooklyn: A Fairy
Land
Sophia: “You know,
I once prepared a six-course meal with what I thought was chicken.
But it turned out to be a—”
Dorothy: “Ma!!
Rose, in my heart, I cannot believe that Miles is a rat. He just fell
in with the wrong people, that's all. Now look, I know you have a
date with him tomorrow night. Keep it. I'm sure you'll find he's the
same caring, sensitive man you've known all along. My God, it wasn't
my confirmation dinner, was it?”
Sophia: “Your pop
sure made everyone laugh when he made the little feet dance.”
Insult Watch
Dorothy: “Gee, Ma,
I think it's nice how things are working out for Rose and Miles.”
Sophia: “It had to
happen sometime, Pussycat. Rose found a man. And pretty soon, Blanche
will find a man. And before you know it, you - You should buy a
parakeet or something.”
Blanche: “He's
alive? And he knows that Miles is seeing Rose, and Rose knows me, and
they always hold the prettiest one hostage. Oh, if I could just do
something to make myself less attractive.”
Sophia: “Try soap
and water.”
Product Placement
Sophia: “I won't
have to spend that evening with Dorothy. No offense, my little
Scrabble-holic, but there's more to life than a double-word score. “
Dorothy: “Strange
attitude coming from a woman who tried to choke me because I
challenged the word ‘flot.’”
Sassy Sophia
Miles: “You know
what, ladies? What do you say we take a rain check on the poetry
reading?”
Sophia: “I'd say
no dice. Doesn't a rain check mean we'd have to come back??”
Back in St. Olaf
Rose: “I don't
know what to say. I can't believe this story you're telling me.”
Dorothy: “But you
can believe the story about Henrik Felderstuhl, St. Olaf's half-man,
half-grasshopper??”
Rose: “Dorothy,
I'm telling you, when he rubbed his legs together, you'd swear you
were on a camping trip.”
Rose: “Now I know
how my friend Mary Jane von Helfenpfelfer felt.”
Blanche: “Oh well.
Considering what you've been through, go ahead, Rose.”
Rose: “She took a
vacation to Mexico and she found this poor, scrawny, helpless little
Chihuahua puppy on the street and she brought it home to St. Olaf
with her, and she nursed it back to health. She loved it. She took it
to bed with her. She taught it to fetch. She'd throw a ball, and he'd
bring it back, and she'd throw a ball, and he'd bring it back. Well,
I guess I don't have to tell you that's pretty much what fetch is.”
Dorothy: “How much
longer are we gonna circle the airport, Rose? You wanna bring this
baby in?”
Rose: “Well when
she took the puppy to get his shots, the vet told her the bad news.
He said, ‘Mary Jane, this is no Chihuahua, this is a rat!’”
Dorothy: “And the
point, Aesop?”
Rose: “I thought
Miles was a Chihuahua. It turns out he was a rat!”
Best of B.E.D.
Dorothy: “You're
going to wear a dress, and then return - Blanche, that's illegal.”
Blanche: “Oh, it
is not illegal. It's just wrong. See, I love the dress, but I can't
afford it, not $300 worth. And I have a late date tonight, so I wanna
look stunning for it. Besides, it's not like I'm gonna wear it all
that much. I'm just gonna put it on and take it off. Then put it on
and come home and take it off again.”
Sweet,
Single-Digit-IQ Rose
Rose: “Miles, I
thought you were grading papers.”
Miles: “No, I
wasn't. I lied.”
Rose: “Oh my God.
What were you grading?”
Rose: “I can't
believe this is happening. Maybe we better try Springfield. He'd
never find us in Springfield.”
Miles: “Which
Springfield?”
Rose: “Aha!”
From Feud to Food
Dorothy: “Now,
look, we're all very fond of Miles. Besides, a little culture
wouldn't hurt any of us.”
Sophia: “All
right, we'll go. But I'd rather stay home and eat flot.”
Dorothy Zbornak is
My Spirit Animal
Blanche: “How was
school today?”
Dorothy: “Ah,
pretty good. Almost half the class came back after the fire drill.”
Dorothy: “Oh,
Rose, this is terrible. You have been robbed of the most basic sense
of security. You know no matter what else is happening, at the very
least, I know that when I come home at night you are you, Blanche is
Blanche, and Ma - if she's taken her medication - is my mother.”
What, We Can’t
Learn From History?
Rose: “It's the
117th anniversary of the birth of Robert Frost.”
Sophia: “I love
him. Always nippin' at your nose.”
Rose: “That was
Jack Frost. Robert Frost is the guy who interviewed Richard Nixon on
TV. Who's the dumb one now??”
Dorothy: “Ah,
you're still the reigning champ, Rose. That was David Frost. Robert
Frost was a famous American poet.”
Sophia: “And when
I was with him, he was always nippin' at my nose.”
Sophia: “Gladys,
you yutz. These aren't for Tony Bennett. They're for Tony Martin.”
Gladys: “Of course
they're for Tony Martin. You think I'd camp overnight for tickets to
Tony Bennett? Tell you what, sweetheart. Take Milton. Have a swell
time. Only this time, don't throw your underwear on the stage.”
Gladys: “Then why
go?”
Sophia: “Oh, why
couldn't they put Tony Bennett and Tony Martin on the same bill? Ah,
who am I kidding? There’ll never be another Woodstock.”
Literary
Intelligentsia
Miles: “So
overall, then, what I'd say Frost is most significantly remembered
for is his simple, clear use of language and uncomplicated imagery to
express the quiet values of a rural New England life.”
Sophia [waking up]:
“Are we home yet??”
Rose: “Miles, your
poetry book.”
Miles: “Keep it,
and when you read page 73, think of me.”
Rose: “’And when
to the heart of man was it ever less than a treason to bow and accept
the end of a love or of a season?’”
The Boob Tube
Sophia: “Hey,
look, there's a black guy doing the news, and it isn't even the
weekend!”
Dorothy: “Ma, did
you turn that on”
Sophia:
“Poltergeist.”
Golden Quotes
Rose: “Do we all
remember what today is?”
Sophia: “I'll go
out on a limb and say Thursday. But you can't go by me. I'm in and
out on my children's first names.”
Blanche [looking at
a globe]: “My oh my oh my. Just look at all the other places to
be.”
Blanche: “Oh,
Sophia, calm down, honey. It's all right if you want to drop your
girlfriend because a man asks you out. That's the law of the jungle.”
Sophia: “Thank
you, Sheena, Queen of the Slut People.”
Dorothy [having
knocked a drink on Blanche’s dress]: “I told you before, you
can't return something after it's been worn.”
Blanche: “I
certainly can't now after your little spasm. I wanted to wear
something tonight that Duane's never seen me in.”
Sophia: “Maybe you
should try underwear.”
Rose: “You mean -
did they - have you been to prison?”
Miles: “Oh, no. I
couldn't let that happen. Can you imagine what my life would've been
like if the other inmates found out how much I love to dance?”
Sophia: “You mean
to tell me you are personally acquainted with men who do bodily harm
to private citizens for money?”
Miles: “I can't
deny it, Sophia. Yes.”
Sophia: “Then take
down this address. Gladys Goldfein, 326—“
Dorothy: “Ma!”
Rose: “How can I
believe you? How can I believe anything you've ever said to me?”
Miles: “Look, I
know it sounds awful, but it's not. I can be free. I can go back to
Chicago. And, sweetheart, I want you there with me.”
Rose: “Chicago??
Go to Chicago!? I don't even know you!!”
Rose: “I don't
know what's real anymore. When I think of the things I've told Miles,
the things he's told me. The things we've told each other. Things
we've said in a restaurant. Things we've said on our way to a
restaurant. Things we've said on the way home from a—“
Dorothy: “The two
of you shared! We get it!!”
Rose: “But who was
I sharing with? If you say something to somebody who isn't really who
he is, have you actually said anything or not? And if he's heard it
as someone he really isn't, has anything you've said actually been
heard?”
Sophia: “Sorry, I
wasn't listening.”
Dorothy: “Oh,
Rose, I'm so happy everything worked out.”
Sophia: “Rose, I
never thought I'd say this, but I'm gonna miss ya. Your laugh, your
smile, your St. Olaf stories… OK, I'm over it now.”
Blanche: “I've
never been so humiliated in my life.”
Dorothy: “What
about the time you lost the key to your handcuffs and had to go with
that guy on his mail route?”
Dorothy: “Blanche,
it's only fair. You tried something crooked, and you got caught. Now
you're gonna have to scrimp and cut corners and find some way to pay
for it.”
Blanche: “I
already have. The rent increases go into effect tomorrow. All except
Sophia.”
Dorothy: “Why not
her?”
Blanche: “The rent
increase was her idea.”
Sophia: “So I'm
the one musketeer. I'll make new friends.”
Rose: “You won't
believe the horrible thing I just heard on the radio!”
Dorothy: “Oh Rose,
we go through this every time. ‘This is merely a test. In the event
of an actual emergency—’”
Sophia: “Can we
get this guy outta here? I don't wanna be killed at my age. That
would be like getting tackled on the one-yard line.”
Critique:
I’d like to think
the reason there WAS another Woodstock was because Sophia said there
wouldn’t be. I think they were just big GG fans. But I digress. I
can’t even begin to fathom the sheer lunacy that is this episode’s
main story line. Miles is actually an accountant from Chicago who is now
living in Miami in the Witness Protection Program? Yeah, and I wear a
D cup. It’s so ridiculous it’s almost magical. The
series’ story lines were really getting crazy by this point. I mean
think about it. How exactly does an accountant pull off posing as a
college English professor? I actually really want to know what
exactly Miles was grading. But let’s stick with the positives. In terms of the lesser B stories here, I
like the idea of not knowing whether Dorothy’s “little spasm”
was on purpose (for the record I think it was). And does
anyone want to think about the logistics of Gladys throwing her
underwear on the stage? Do you think she pulled them off in front of
everyone or went to the bathroom first? According to Sophia it takes
most old ladies an hour just to roll down their stockings. She probably
just brought an extra pair and stuffed them in her purse. And lastly, we
don’t even have to get into the fanfic idea of Arnie (who Harold
Gould also played in “Rose the Prude”) actually being Miles’ real
identity. God this episode is bonkers, though just wait until Samuel
Plankmaker shows up... GRADE: B
