72 Hours S5E19

Synopsis: Rose might have contracted HIV; Dorothy helps plan a wetlands fundraiser.

90s Flashback

Dorothy: “Swell. Now I don't have a band for the banquet.”

Blanche: “What happened??”

Dorothy: “They decided to play at the Free Noriega benefit.”

Crazy Continuity

If I was Rose not only would I be pissed that I might have HIV, but that the doctor who did the test looked suspiciously like the waiter in the episodes “A Little Romance” and “The Flu.”

Let’s Get Political

Blanche: “It so happens I know some famous people.”

Dorothy: “Who?”

Blanche: “Well I don't want to divulge his name, but I'll give you a clue: I know what the F stands for in William F. Buckley.”

Lewd Ladies

Sophia: “Thank God I was one of those progressive parents.”

Dorothy: “I was amazed at how you used those technical terms. You told me never to let a boy touch me 'you know where.' And you spelled 'where.'”

Sophia: “Well maybe I used to be old-fashioned, but times have changed. So when I was at the pharmacy I bought you some condoms. Your boyfriends are supposed to put them you know w-h-e-r-e.”

Insult Watch

Dorothy: “You know Ma, that's part of the problem. Nobody cares. Do you realize what would happen if there were no swamps?”

Sophia: “New Jersey wouldn't have a state smell.”

Tales from the Old South

Blanche: “I know I'm not always the first one to volunteer, but I happen to have an affection for bayous. Matter of fact, I became a woman in one.”

Sophia: “I thought you lost it in a hot-air balloon?”

Dorothy: “I thought you lost it at a pancake breakfast?”

Blanche: “Well, those don't count. I mean, they did at the time, but this is the definitive where-I-lost-my-virginity story.”

Sophia: “It's really nice of you to share something so personal with us, Blanche. In a bayou? You slut.”

Product Placement

Sophia: “I always think it's nice when you're in a hospital to walk around and cheer people up.”

Dorothy: “Ah. That's nice, Ma.”

Sophia: “So after I had my prescription filled, I went to up to Geriatrics and sang 'Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better.'”

Dorothy: “Ma!”

Sophia: “What a tough crowd. They threw Jell-O at me. If you could call that throwing.”

Sassy Sophia

Dorothy: “Ma, what were you doing in my bathroom for two hours?”

Sophia: “The hokey-pokey. What do you think I was doing?”

Back in St. Olaf

Rose: “I haven't been this scared since 1952, when St. Olaf's most active volcano threatened to erupt. Well luckily, there were some Druid priests who were in town for the opening of Stonehengeland. They said they could stop it if they could sacrifice the town's dumbest virgin. I don't know why I raised my hand. It must have just been the excitement of the moment. But they said the only way to prevent the eruption was for me to crawl through their legs, up the volcano, while they gave me my birthday whacks. Well - and you're not gonna believe this - it turns out they weren't Druid priests at all. Just a bunch of Shriners looking for a good time.”

Dorothy: “That's a scary story, Rose.”

Rose: “Well, some people might chuckle, but I think what you're doing is important. I mean, people laughed at me back in St. Olaf when I spearheaded the drive to get our very own missile silo. Oh, sure, some gloomy Gusses muttered about the plutonium thing. But I figured if we could make our sleepy little hamlet into a first-strike target, it would help tourism.”

Sweet, Single-Digit-IQ Rose

Blanche: “What is it, Rose? Is something wrong?”

Rose: “I'm not sure. St. Luke's Hospital wants me to come in for some kind of test. That's where I had my gallbladder out six years ago.”

Dorothy: “Can I see it, Rose?”

Rose: “They throw organs out after surgery.”

Dorothy: “The letter, Rose.”

The Boob Tube

Rose: “Look at all this stuff for the celebrity auction. Linda Evans' compact….”

Dorothy: “Now, look, Rose-”

Rose: “What about the dress Jamie Farr promised us from M*A S*H?”

Dorothy: “No it hasn't come yet.”

Rose: “But he promised.”

Blanche: “Honey, we have a lot of other stuff. It's OK.”

Rose: “No, it's not. He let you down. Well, I'm not surprised. You couldn't trust Klinger on guard duty, you can't trust him now.”

Reel References

Dorothy: “You know that, in school, I actually joined the math club so I could meet guys. Really.”

Rose: “Oh, I can beat that. I joined the 4H Club to be hip.”

Dorothy: “The Aldo Ray fan club.”

Rose: “I can beat that too.”

Dorothy: “Oh? What?”

Rose: “No, I can't. That's pretty bad.”

Golden Quotes

Dorothy: “What an idiot! Of all the lame-brained, moronic dopes. I mean if ever I wanted to reach right through the phone and strangle somebody.”

Sophia: “Not really a morning person, are you, Pussycat?”

Sophia: “I know just how you feel. I remember how nervous and scared and panicked I was when I went to that neurologist to have my memory tested.”

Rose: “How did you handle it?”

Sophia: “Well, usually, I add a cup of bleach.”

Rose: “I couldn't sleep so I went for a spin last night. To Alabama. Blanche, do you know at a truck stop in Tuscaloosa they have an egg dish named after you.”

Blanche: “Really? How are they prepared?”

Sophia: “Overeasy.”

Blanche: “AIDS is not a bad person's disease, Rose. It is not God punishing people for their sins.”

Rose: “Oh, God. This waiting is driving me crazy. Blanche, when you were tested, how did you make it through?”

Blanche: “Just kept it to myself and acted like a real bitch to everybody else.”

Rose: “No wonder we never knew.”

Dorothy: “I've rewritten this thing three times, and the most persuasive slogan I can come up with is: 'Save our swamps. No, really, we mean it.'”

Critique:

So does Minnesota actually have active volcanoes? I’d say no. But just in case, a quick trip to Wikipedia assured me that yes I was correct. There hasn’t been a volcano in the area for over 100 millions years. I guess that’s why The Golden Girls writers wrote sitcoms and didn’t write for National Geographic. But I digress. So, “72 Hours,” aka “Rose Gets Aids,” is, as Dorothy might say, just one hell of an episode. It’s relevance in the political landscape of the time, post-80s AIDS epidemic, was hot-button for sure and rather controversial. But today the episode functions in sort of a campy way for me. The way Sophia uses the gas station bathroom or writes R on all the coffee mugs Rose has drank from is just silly and is completely against everything the character ever stood for. But it’s ok because, like I said, it’s just a hell of an episode. Even though it deals with “SSM” (Serious Subject Matter) it maintains its comedic dark edge rather well. Betty is great here, giving a similar performance to what she did in Season Four's “High Anxiety.” Dorothy’s subplot about her Save the Wetlands benefit feels insignificant in comparison to possibly being infected with HIV but it still offers plenty of comic moments; one of my favorites being Dorothy pantomiming smacking a mosquito on her neck after proudly declaring that “all life is precious.” And let's not even mention that Rose drives to Tuscaloosa and back overnight (which is nearly a 13 hour drive, one way, without stopping once of course). Ah screw it, this episode is hilarious and amazing. GRADE: A

Just in case you were curious...

An Illegitimate Concern S5E18

Synopsis: A young stranger arrives to break some awkward news to Blanche that involves her late husband; Dorothy and Sophia participate in the Shady Pines Mother-Daughter Beauty Pageant.

Musical Moments

The piano's back! Dorothy and Sophia sing “I Got You Babe” with Rose's piano accompaniment until she gets upset because the song always takes her back to the 60s.

Let’s Get Political

Sophia: “Well, Rose, do I look like the mayor of Palm Springs?”

Rose: “Doug Henning is the mayor of Palm Springs?”

Shady Pines, Ma

Sophia: “Look, pussycat. I found matching dresses we could order for the evening-gown competition.”

Dorothy: “Ma, those are totally inappropriate.”

Sophia: “Don't worry. They come with matching panties. For when we do the cartwheels.”

Dorothy: “Ma, forget it.”

Sophia: “Oh, come on. Mine are gonna say ‘Hello’ and yours are gonna say ‘America.’”

Dorothy: “Ma, why can't we wear something simple in basic black?”

Sophia: “It's a bad idea, Dorothy. You wear black at Shady Pines and they'll stop the show for a head count.”

Lewd Ladies

Sophia: “How many challenges do I have left in life? Seeing if I can get halfway across the street before the Don't Walk sign comes on. Trying to stay awake on the john. Hoping it is the john. Competition is the thing that keeps me going. But, if you want me to let it go.”

Dorothy: “All right. All right. All right, Ma, I'll do it.”

Sophia: “You've made me a happy woman. Now, if you want to go the extra mile, I hear one of the judges has a fetish…”

Picture It

Sophia: “I know how you feel. I hate to say it, but Sal almost cheated on me once.”

Dorothy” “Ma. Really?”

Sophia: “I was pregnant with your brother Phil. And just because I put on 40lbs and was crying all the time, your father got the wandering eye.”

Dorothy: “Did you ever find out who it was?”

Sophia: “I never actually met her, but I heard she was a short, scrawny, birdlike thing who never shut up. I guess variety is the spice of life.”

Zbornak Zingers

Rose: “Why does any man cheat?”

Dorothy: “Well, there are two popular theories. One, men are victims of an evolutionary process which genetically programs their sexual habits.”

Blanche: “What's the other theory?”

Dorothy: “Men are scum.”

Insult Watch

Sophia: “This contest is my chance to put that old witch in her place, once and for all. Not only am I a looker, but I have a daughter twice as beautiful as hers.”

Dorothy: “Ma, that's very sweet, but I still—”

Sophia: “And then I thought, ‘Wait. Your sister Gloria is in California. So it's you or nothing.’”

Oh Shut Up, Rose

David: “George Devereaux, your husband, was my father.

Blanche: “Get out.

David: “What?”

Blanche: “Get out of my house. I did not hear what you just said.”

Rose: “Well she didn't hear what he said and she was this upset. Can you imagine if—

Dorothy: “Shut up, Rose!”

Tales from the Old South

Blanche: “Whenever I have something hard to say, I just say it fast. Like back in high school, when I wanted to break up with Carl Dugan, the captain of the football team. Well, I was very nervous. So I just spat it right out. ‘Carl, I'm dumping you for Coach Wilkins.’ Afterwards, I felt much better.”

Product Placement

Rose: “Make way for the winners of the Shady Pines mother-daughter beauty contest!

Dorothy: “Ta-da!”

Blanche: “Oh! You won!”

Dorothy: “No actually, we're just the runners-up. But if the reigning winners for any reason can't fulfill their duties...”

Sophia: “And I'm telling you, the winning mother and daughter are 98 and 77. If either one of them forgets to take a nitroglycerin even once, Dorothy and I are gonna be cutting ribbons at Piggly Wiggly.”

Sassy Sophia

Sophia: “Pussycat, when's the last time I told you you were beautiful?”

Dorothy: “June 1, 1949. At my wedding.”

Sophia: “Oh, well. That's because pregnant women have that special glow.”

Back in St. Olaf

Dorothy: “Oh, now, that is really odd. I mean, if he's selling encyclopedias, why didn't he try to sell us a set?”

Rose: “You know what else is so strange about it? He didn't bring them in.”

Blanche: “Rose. No encyclopedia salesman lugs around 26 volumes door-to-door.”

Rose: “Are you kidding? In St. Olaf they carry 52.”

Blanche: “Why?”

Rose: “Balance.”

Dorothy: “Rose, why don't they just carry 13 in each hand?”

Rose: “Excuse me. I have to make a phone call.”

Rose: “I know what you mean. I should have said no to the Miss St. Olaf beauty pageant. It was 1951. That was the first year they let humans enter too. I was way ahead after the evening-gown and log-rolling competition. People don't realize how hard it is to roll a log when you're wearing an evening gown. And the shocker is I lost out on the intelligence quiz.”

Dorothy: “Quelle surprise!”

Rose: “Don't I know it. They asked me to name the seven dwarves, and I did. But evidently I didn't name the seven they had in mind.”

Best of B.E.D.

Blanche: “I've been going through my diaries. Just listen to this. 'March 3, 1967. George just back from Dallas. Surprised me with the most beautiful diamond earrings. I love him so much it takes my breath away. Ours is a love so pure, so complete, it'll outlast time itself. I'll have the earrings appraised next week.'”

Sweet, Single-Digit-IQ Rose

David: “I was always told my dad died before I was born. Then I found my birth certificate. And there, listed as my father, was George Devereaux.”

Rose: “Well maybe there was another George Devereaux in Miami…”

David: “This was the address in my mom's old book.”

Rose: “…who also lived in this house!”

Literary Intelligentsia

Rose: “I'm sorry. But this song always takes me back to St. Olaf in the '60s. And the controversial issue that nearly tore the town apart.”

Dorothy: “What, Rose? Vietnam? Civil rights? Campus unrest?”

Rose: “Opposite-side-of-the-street parking. Nobody could understand the concept. I mean it doesn't matter which side of the street you park on, there's always an opposite side.”

Sophia: “What an injustice. Hemingway ran out of stories to tell and shot himself. She just keeps on going.”

The Boob Tube

Blanche: “Oh, how could George betray me this way? Dammit, those wedding vows were sacred to me. Well, they must have been. I turned down hundreds - thousands of offers. Teachers, doctors, astronauts. I even said no to a journalist famous for his work on '60 Minutes.' Now, if that's not fidelity, I don't know what is. Then I find out that the only man I ever loved cheated on me. On me! Oh, I could just die.”

Sophia: “I'll bet it was Morley Safer.”

Reel References

Blanche: “Oh, for goodness' sakes. Why, you two could be celebrity look-alikes.”

Dorothy: “Oh Blanche honey, you really think so?”

Blanche: “Well, absolutely. So, which one's Cheech and which one's Chong?”

Golden Quotes

Blanche: “Oh, I tell you, the boy's in love. Rose, what do you think?”

Rose: “A sex-crazed psycho with a granny complex. Sorry, Blanche. I gotta call 'em as I see 'em.”

Dorothy: “Rose, hand me that newspaper.”

Rose: “No. You’re gonna hit me with it.”

David: “I know this is painful for you, but there's so much I need to know. What did he do for a living? Was he funny? Did he have any hobbies?”

Sophia: “He had at least one.”

Rose: “Blanche, I thought you were in bed.”

Blanche: “Oh I couldn't sleep. It must be from living with old people.”

Sophia: “I'm Sonny Bono you idiot!!”

Dorothy: “Gee, I wonder how many maître d's have heard that line?”

Dorothy: “The big news is we beat Gladys Goldfine. Right, Ma?”

Sophia: “Ah, it was a hollow victory. Time has taken its toll on Gladys. She's not the fierce competitor she once was.”

Dorothy: “You know for the talent section she was supposed to do a medley from The Fantasticks. She started with 'Try To Remember,' and she couldn't.”

Critique:

What better way to celebrate Halloween than with some fantastic Sonny and Cher costumes? After all we all know there were never any Halloween episodes on the GG. “An Illegitimate Concern” is a fantastic Blanche-centric episode that is mostly known as “the one when Dorothy and Sophia sing I Got You Babe as Sonny & Cher.” Blanche's storyline here is pretty heavy. I would assume it would be difficult to deal with an illegitimate child showing up at you door but the saddest part to me is that BLANCHE MISSES THE SHADY PINES MOTHER-DAUGHTER BEAUTY PAGEANT!!! WTF!!! GO BACK TO DALLAS, DAVID!! Phew, glad I got that off my chest. Anyways, even with all the heavy subject matter this is still a pretty hilarious episode with Marc Cherry's always clever dialogue. I still find it odd that Sophia would go back to Shady Pines on purpose but I just went with it. Lastly, who would KILL to see the Shady Pines Circus? Do you think it's just like old people riding on elephants and stuff? Fun Fact: Actor Mark Moses who plays David would later go on to co-star in Marc Cherry's hit ensemble mystery dramedy "Desperate Housewives." GRADE: A

Like the Beep Beep Beep of the Tom Tom S5E17

Synopsis: Blanche has to have pacemaker surgery and then decides to give up sex; Rose is busy testing weight-loss products for work.

90s Flashback
Dorothy: “Hi, Ma. What you doing?”
Sophia: “Thinking.”
Dorothy: “About what?”
Sophia: “About wind, water, rocks. Man's place in the delicate balance of nature's harmony. Where we're going. Where the road ends.”
Dorothy: “Gee, Ma, I never knew you were so philosophical.”
Sophia: “I'm not. It's those damn Infiniti commercials. They're driving me crazy.”

Crazy Continuity
Rose says when she had trouble sleeping she'd count sheep (and Dorothy tells her she doesn't want to hear the story if there are real sheep in the story which there are) but in the Season 3 episode “Brotherly Love” Rose says she can't count sheep because she's allergic to wool.

Musical Moments
Rose: “Over there/Over there/Send the word, send the word over there/That the Yanks are coming/The Yanks are coming--”
Dorothy: “That is the lullaby that your mother sang to you?”
Rose: “Well, it was the only song she knew. During World War I she gave out donuts and coffee to the doughboys before they boarded the trains for Europe. It works, truly. She said no one can be scared when they hear that song, except maybe the Kaiser.”

Let’s Get Political
Sophia: “Dorothy, have you been fooling around with my Tip O'Neill calendar?”
Dorothy: “No, Ma, I haven't.”
Sophia: “Come on! I'm missing March. It's the month where he's playing volleyball with Jesse Helms.”

St. Olaf Vocab
The St. Olaf “I Can't Believe This is Cheese” Diet: You eat nothing but rice

That’s What She Said
Blanche: “If everything's as bad as he thinks it is, he wants to put a pacemaker in me.”
Sophia: “Everybody's got a nickname for it.”

Lewd Ladies
Blanche: “That madman wants to rip me open from stem to stern.”
Sophia: “Your two favorite parts.”

Picture It
Sophia: “Hey, it's never easy to go without. I remember when my mother-in-law came to stay with Sal and me when we were first married. For two months Dorothy your father and I didn't have sex.”
Dorothy: “Why not, Ma?”
Sophia: “She slept in between us. It was a very small place. Have you ever seen an Italian after he's gone without?”
Dorothy: “Hm, no.”
Sophia: “That's because your father was the only one.”
Rose: “Well she finally left, didn't she, Sophia?”
Sophia: “Yeah. I'll never forget that day. Your father stayed home from work. Unfortunately, I couldn't get the day off. I don't know what he did, but he was happy when I got home.”

Zbornak Zingers
Blanche: “I know this sounds crazy, and if it hadn't happened to me, I wouldn't believe it either, but while I was being operated on, I had an out-of-body experience. I was floating, lookin' down at myself. It was like, it was like--”
Dorothy: “Like the mirror on your bedroom ceiling?”

Insult Watch
Dorothy: “Rose, what's that supposed to be?”
Rose: “A flab stimulator. You hook these things to your muscles. They give out an electric charge and help get rid of unwanted fat deposits.”
Sophia: “Does it come in a hat?”

Product Placement
Blanche: “Good morning, ladies. Dorothy, a Popsicle-stick purse for you. Sophia, a Popsicle-stick potpourri box, and for you, Rose, two lovely Popsicle-stick earrings.”
Dorothy: “So, Blanche, how are we enjoying our celibacy?”
Blanche: “Oh, just let me get a Popsicle, I'll be right with you.”

Sassy Sophia
Blanche: “He wants to match the heartbeats that this records to my activities, so, for the next 24 hours, I have to write down everything I do.”
Sophia: “And you're not embarrassed to have him read that smut?”

Back in St. Olaf
Rose: “Since Charlie was a traveling salesman, sometimes I'd be alone for weeks. I used to have so much trouble sleeping, I tried counting sheep.”
Dorothy: “Rose, if there are real sheep in this story, I do not wanna hear it.”
Rose: “OK.”

Best of B.E.D.
Blanche: “You know, I'm really starting to care about him, and I wouldn't want him worrying about my recording his performance. You know how fragile men's egos are. One little thing like screaming out the wrong name, and they go all to pieces.”

Sweet, Single-Digit-IQ Rose
Blanche: “I don't know what to expect of myself with this thing in me. I just keep remembering how you're not supposed to overload electrical outlets.”
Rose: “Maybe you just shouldn't make love when you're wet.”

Reel References
Dorothy: “I can't believe it. Blanche has gone without for two weeks. I mean, that's like Raymond Burr saying, 'No gravy!'”

The Boob Tube
Sophia: “Hey, Dorothy, guess who's on Johnny Carson tonight?”
Dorothy: “Who?”
Sophia: “Johnny Carson.”
Dorothy: “Must be the anniversary show.”

Golden Quotes
Rose: “You wouldn't believe the length people go to just to drop a few pounds. I heard about one woman who even had her jaw wired shut.”
Dorothy: “Oh. Is that something that you'll be testing, Rose?”

Rose: “What's wrong with your heart?”
Blanche: “Oh, nothing. Dr. Stein just thought it sounded a little irregular. I think it's 'cause I was so uncomfortable sittin' there topless with a strange man.”
Dorothy: “Next time, just pretend you're at home and he's the bug guy.”

Rose: “Sophia, It's been wonderful watching you take care of Blanche all week.”
Sophia: “I feel like a regular hospital worker.”
Rose: “Ah, that's nice.”
Sophia: “Yeah. I just took all the money and jewelry out of her nightstand.”

Blanche: “The time has come for me to re-evaluate my life, for me to take stock of myself. I just know that there's a part of me that nobody's ever seen.”
Sophia: “I find that hard to believe.”
Blanche: “If a 5,000-year-old Indian shows up, tell him I wanna know more about his people.”

Rose: “Where's Blanche?”
Dorothy: “She's out on a date with Simon. It's her first time out, so who knows when she'll be home.” Sophia: “Checkout time is usually noon.”
Dorothy: “You know, Blanche has been without a date for weeks. I know that because all the pictures on my wall are straight.”

Simon: “I cannot believe how much I've missed this little girl.”
Sophia: “This guy is growing antlers.”

Rose: “Your date is over??”
Blanche: “You sound surprised.”
Dorothy: “Well, it's just that your dates usually end with a little... pillow talk.”
Sophia: “Yeah like, 'What did you say your name was again?'”

Blanche: “I've made a decision. Blanche Devereaux is giving up sex.”
Sophia: “And what does that do to the morale of our boys overseas?”

Blanche: “It was not an easy decision, but it's best that I retire from the sexual arena undefeated. Time I hung up my gloves.”
Rose: “Gloves?? Boy, you do practice safe sex.”

Dorothy: “Ma, I said I was sorry.”
Sophia: “The least you can do when we're gonna see a movie is say it's a foreign film.”
Dorothy: “What is the big deal?”
Sophia: “I had to stand at the front of the screen just to read the subtitles and all that running back and forth to complete a sentence almost killed me.”

Blanche: “Over there/Over there… No, I said over THERE.”

Critique:
This episode is a double-entendre hot zone. Popsicles, growing antlers, pacemakers. It's all here! This truly delightful Blanche-centered episode is a perfect showcase for the great Rue McClanahan. Probably one of her best performances since her Emmy-winning Season 2 opener “End of the Curse.” Blanche is always great when the writers force her to confront real life square in the face. Here she has issues with her heart and thinking a pacemaker is practically an electrical appliance (not unlike the heatin' pad Dorothy was using) she's afraid that too much passion will basically make her heart explode. Sure it's borderline crazy, but you know how Blanche gets. Rose's storyline about testing weight-loss products is a showcase for some fun physical bits including those memorable blow up “vacuum slacks.” How exactly a pair of pants and vacuum clean is aupposed to "inhale the fat from your body" is beyond me. Sounds dangerous. It's utterly silly but a perfect reflection for the sheer hell going on inside the mind of Blanche Devereaux. The dialogue is on point here with line after line of racy one liners. And two words: Over. There. I have no complaints about this one. GRADE: A

Clinton Avenue Memoirs S5E16

Synopsis: Sophia and Dorothy travel to Brooklyn to help revive Sophia’s fading memory; meanwhile Blanche moonlights for Rose.

90s Flashback

Dorothy: “Oh, dammit. I hate watching what this is doing to her.”

Blanche: “I hate watching what it's doing to you.”

Rose: “I hate watching those FBI warnings at the beginning of video rentals.”

Crazy Continuity

Sophia: “I don't remember half these photos. I don't remember Brooklyn. I don't even remember you going off to your senior prom.”

Dorothy: “Ma, I never went to my senior prom.”

Sophia: “Actually, I did remember that, but why should I be the only one here to feel like crap?”

Here we are with more prom night continuity craziness. One time Dorothy went to the prom with her brother in her tennis whites, and another time she when to the prom with Stan and then got pregnant, and here she didn’t even go to the prom. Make up your mind, writers!

Let’s Get Political

Dorothy: “He said that Ma's memory problem could be related to a nutritional imbalance, so he put her on a special diet, and if she follows it, she'll be fine from here on out.”

Sophia: “Oh, lucky me, I can remember from now on. My whole past is gone! I could have slept with JFK and don't even know it!”

Dorothy: “Ma, I don't think so. You're not mentioned in any of the books.”

Blanche: “Well, that doesn't necessarily mean anything.”

Take Me Out to the Ballgame, Stanley

Sal: “Now I know you think Phil here's taken your place. Well, I wanna tell you something. I love you more than anything.”

Young Dorothy: “Even more than the Dodgers on five-cent beer night?

Sal: “OK, even more than that.”

That’s What She Said

Sophia: “I insist. All I need is a little more spunk!”

Shady Pines, Ma

Sophia: “Dorothy, can you drive me to the mall Friday night? They're giving free blood pressure tests, and some of the girls and I have a high-low bet.”

Dorothy: “Ma, honey, don't you remember? Friday night we're planning on having dinner at Joe's Stone Crab.”

Sophia: “Oh?”

Dorothy: “Honey, it's your wedding anniversary.”

Sophia: “Oh, yeah, right. Sounds nice.”

Dorothy: “Ma, you didn't forget, did you?”

Sophia: “Oh, forgive me, I forgot something. Maybe you should ship me back to Shady Pines.”

Product Placement

Sophia: “Sal! What the hell are you doing here?”

Sal: “Relax. I'm not really here. I'm just a Fig Newton of your imagination.”

Sassy Sophia

Sophia: “Imagine finding that carving in here! Kitchen, bedroom - I knew it was a room I was good in!”

Back in St. Olaf

Blanche: “I need the professional care of the most talented hairdresser in Miami - Robert. Oh, he's brilliant. Do you know he was the first one ever to use mousse?”

Rose: “I'd check my facts if I were you, Blanche. Mr. Ingrid of St. Olaf has been using moose ever since I can remember. Of course, it's his own professional secret which part of the moose he uses. But it'll keep your hair in place in winds up to a hundred and thirty miles an hour.”

Best of B.E.D.

Blanche: “Oh, hello, sir. I am conducting a phone survey regarding healthcare for the elderly. May I ask your age? That's not so old! And what's your general health? That's good. What would you say is your annual income? Oh, that's very good! Marital status? Oh, I am sorry. How long? Three weeks! I'd say it was time you were getting on with your life, honey.”

Sweet, Single-Digit-IQ Rose

Blanche: “Dorothy, what just happened?”

Rose: “Well, weren't you listening? Sophia came in and asked Dorothy to drive her to the mall for a blood pressure test. And then Dorothy told Sophia that they had a date to go out to dinner Friday night, and then Sophia said-”

Dorothy: “Honey, would you hand me the newspaper?”

Rose: “Oh.”

Dorothy: “No, the Metro section.”

Rose: “-that she and the girls [SMACK] Hey, don't kill the messenger.”

From Feud to Food

Sophia: “I mixed up the rooms, but I remembered. Of course. I thought the carving was in the kitchen. Sal used to hang his salamis in here.”

What Do I Look Like, a Cross-Dresser?

Sophia: “I'm going through the family album. I thought I'd pay your father a visit.”

Dorothy: “Look, here we all are!”

Sophia: “Your sweet sixteen party, right?”

Dorothy: “Right! Oh look at that beautiful chiffon dress.”

Sophia: “Yeah, your brother Phil always did like to make a splash.”

The Boob Tube

Dorothy: “I guess I've just been hoping that things would improve by themselves. You know, I never thought Ma would lose her memory. Of course, I never thought Alan Alda would get on my nerves.”

Reel References

Dorothy: “Ah, look! The Jersey shore, summer 1939.”

Sophia: “Pop sure loved playing with you kids. Why do I look so upset?”

Dorothy: “Oh, Ma, don't you remember? Pop was a big fan of Jean Harlow's back then. You hated it when he made sand breasts in front of the children.”

Golden Quotes

Rose: “How about moonlighting and making some extra money?”

Blanche: “Another job? Rose, I already work my fingers to the bone twelve hours a week at the museum: ‘Picasso on your left, snack bar downstairs.’ It's a wonder I'm not an alcoholic.”

Sophia: “Isn't it good to be back in the old neighborhood, Dorothy? Watching the kids playing stickball on the corner?”

Dorothy: “Ma, they were beating a man. That was sort of why I called the police.”

Sophia: “Ah, they were just having a good time.”

Dorothy: “Now, look, Ma, I don't want you to be disappointed if the new tenants don't let us in.”

Mr. Hernandez: “Buenos di­as.”

Sophia: “Oh, God!”

Sophia: “And that big old window I used to look out of.”

Dorothy: “Oh Ma, I remember when I was a little girl playing out in the street. I can still hear your voice. ‘Dorothy, fix your dress, the whole neighborhood can see your business.’”

Blanche: “Well, all right, just pay me under the table.”

Rose: “Oh, sure! I know that trick. Dorothy's done that to me before. I go under the table and you never show up. No way! “

Dorothy: “Ma, Mr. Hernandez has to go.”

Mr. Hernandez: “I'm meeting the wife and kids. We are going ice-skating.”

Sophia, seeing the carving: “Dorothy! Oh, my God! Can you believe it??”

Mr. Hernandez: “Hey, Puerto Ricans can ice-skate! Jeez!”

Critique:

It’s important to note that while actor Sid Melton, who plays Sophia’s deceased husband Sal, makes his sixth appearance here; it is the first time he appears alongside the “present day” version of Sophia. He appears here in flashback form and in spirit form. This episode is great because even five seasons in the writers were still giving us great character development (and yet they still can’t get Dorothy’s damn prom timeline right, but I digress). I love seeing Dorothy and Sophia reminisce about their past; and they don’t go overly sentimental. The B story involving Blanche working for Rose is really just an excuse to keep those characters around. It’s fine but unrewarding. At least we get to hear Blanche say “Make it out to Hair By Robert!” The episode also features some familiar faces. The girl who plays young Dorothy was in the movie “Ladybugs” and the woman who plays younger Sophia was Gina in “Foreign Exchange”. As in “Buon giorno, I’m-a Gina!” But my question remains, if it’s nice enough to play stickball on the corner, why would the Hernandez family be going ice skating? GRADE: A-