Synopsis: A young
stranger arrives to break some awkward news to Blanche that involves
her late husband; Dorothy and Sophia participate in the Shady Pines
Mother-Daughter Beauty Pageant.
Musical Moments
The piano's back!
Dorothy and Sophia sing “I Got You Babe” with Rose's piano
accompaniment until she gets upset because the song always takes her
back to the 60s.
Sophia: “Well,
Rose, do I look like the mayor of Palm Springs?”
Rose: “Doug
Henning is the mayor of Palm Springs?”
Sophia: “Look,
pussycat. I found matching dresses we could order for the
evening-gown competition.”
Dorothy: “Ma,
those are totally inappropriate.”
Sophia: “Don't
worry. They come with matching panties. For when we do the
cartwheels.”
Dorothy: “Ma,
forget it.”
Sophia: “Oh, come
on. Mine are gonna say ‘Hello’ and yours are gonna say
‘America.’”
Dorothy: “Ma, why
can't we wear something simple in basic black?”
Sophia: “It's a
bad idea, Dorothy. You wear black at Shady Pines and they'll stop the
show for a head count.”
Sophia: “How many
challenges do I have left in life? Seeing if I can get halfway across
the street before the Don't Walk sign comes on. Trying to stay awake
on the john. Hoping it is the john. Competition is the thing that
keeps me going. But, if you want me to let it go.”
Dorothy: “All
right. All right. All right, Ma, I'll do it.”
Sophia: “You've
made me a happy woman. Now, if you want to go the extra mile, I hear
one of the judges has a fetish…”
Sophia: “I know
how you feel. I hate to say it, but Sal almost cheated on me once.”
Dorothy” “Ma.
Really?”
Sophia: “I was
pregnant with your brother Phil. And just because I put on 40lbs and
was crying all the time, your father got the wandering eye.”
Dorothy: “Did you
ever find out who it was?”
Sophia: “I never
actually met her, but I heard she was a short, scrawny, birdlike
thing who never shut up. I guess variety is the spice of life.”
Rose: “Why does
any man cheat?”
Dorothy: “Well,
there are two popular theories. One, men are victims of an
evolutionary process which genetically programs their sexual habits.”
Blanche: “What's
the other theory?”
Dorothy: “Men are
scum.”
Sophia: “This
contest is my chance to put that old witch in her place, once and for
all. Not only am I a looker, but I have a daughter twice as beautiful
as hers.”
Dorothy: “Ma,
that's very sweet, but I still—”
Sophia: “And then
I thought, ‘Wait. Your sister Gloria is in California. So it's you
or nothing.’”
David: “George
Devereaux, your husband, was my father.
Blanche: “Get out.
David: “What?”
Blanche: “Get out
of my house. I did not hear what you just said.”
Rose: “Well she
didn't hear what he said and she was this upset. Can you imagine if—
Dorothy: “Shut up,
Rose!”
Blanche: “Whenever
I have something hard to say, I just say it fast. Like back in high
school, when I wanted to break up with Carl Dugan, the captain of the
football team. Well, I was very nervous. So I just spat it right out.
‘Carl, I'm dumping you for Coach Wilkins.’ Afterwards, I felt
much better.”
Rose: “Make way
for the winners of the Shady Pines mother-daughter beauty contest!
Dorothy: “Ta-da!”
Blanche: “Oh! You
won!”
Dorothy: “No
actually, we're just the runners-up. But if the reigning winners for
any reason can't fulfill their duties...”
Sophia: “And I'm
telling you, the winning mother and daughter are 98 and 77. If either
one of them forgets to take a nitroglycerin even once, Dorothy and I
are gonna be cutting ribbons at Piggly Wiggly.”
Sophia: “Pussycat,
when's the last time I told you you were beautiful?”
Dorothy: “June 1,
1949. At my wedding.”
Sophia: “Oh, well.
That's because pregnant women have that special glow.”
Dorothy: “Oh, now,
that is really odd. I mean, if he's selling encyclopedias, why didn't
he try to sell us a set?”
Rose: “You know
what else is so strange about it? He didn't bring them in.”
Blanche: “Rose. No
encyclopedia salesman lugs around 26 volumes door-to-door.”
Rose: “Are you
kidding? In St. Olaf they carry 52.”
Blanche: “Why?”
Rose: “Balance.”
Dorothy: “Rose,
why don't they just carry 13 in each hand?”
Rose: “Excuse me.
I have to make a phone call.”
Rose: “I know what
you mean. I should have said no to the Miss St. Olaf beauty pageant.
It was 1951. That was the first year they let humans enter too. I was
way ahead after the evening-gown and log-rolling competition. People
don't realize how hard it is to roll a log when you're wearing an
evening gown. And the shocker is I lost out on the intelligence
quiz.”
Dorothy: “Quelle
surprise!”
Rose: “Don't I
know it. They asked me to name the seven dwarves, and I did. But
evidently I didn't name the seven they had in mind.”
Blanche: “I've
been going through my diaries. Just listen to this. 'March 3, 1967.
George just back from Dallas. Surprised me with the most beautiful
diamond earrings. I love him so much it takes my breath away. Ours is
a love so pure, so complete, it'll outlast time itself. I'll have the
earrings appraised next week.'”
David: “I was
always told my dad died before I was born. Then I found my birth
certificate. And there, listed as my father, was George Devereaux.”
Rose: “Well maybe
there was another George Devereaux in Miami…”
David: “This was
the address in my mom's old book.”
Rose: “…who also
lived in this house!”
Rose: “I'm sorry.
But this song always takes me back to St. Olaf in the '60s. And the
controversial issue that nearly tore the town apart.”
Dorothy: “What,
Rose? Vietnam? Civil rights? Campus unrest?”
Rose:
“Opposite-side-of-the-street parking. Nobody could understand the
concept. I mean it doesn't matter which side of the street you park
on, there's always an opposite side.”
Sophia: “What an
injustice. Hemingway ran out of stories to tell and shot himself. She
just keeps on going.”
Blanche: “Oh, how
could George betray me this way? Dammit, those wedding vows were
sacred to me. Well, they must have been. I turned down hundreds -
thousands of offers. Teachers, doctors, astronauts. I even said no to
a journalist famous for his work on '60 Minutes.' Now, if that's not
fidelity, I don't know what is. Then I find out that the only man I
ever loved cheated on me. On me! Oh, I could just die.”
Sophia: “I'll bet
it was Morley Safer.”
Blanche: “Oh, for
goodness' sakes. Why, you two could be celebrity look-alikes.”
Dorothy: “Oh
Blanche honey, you really think so?”
Blanche: “Well,
absolutely. So, which one's Cheech and which one's Chong?”
Blanche: “Oh, I
tell you, the boy's in love. Rose, what do you think?”
Rose: “A
sex-crazed psycho with a granny complex. Sorry, Blanche. I gotta call
'em as I see 'em.”
Dorothy: “Rose,
hand me that newspaper.”
Rose: “No. You’re
gonna hit me with it.”
David: “I know
this is painful for you, but there's so much I need to know. What did
he do for a living? Was he funny? Did he have any hobbies?”
Sophia: “He had at
least one.”
Rose: “Blanche, I
thought you were in bed.”
Blanche: “Oh I
couldn't sleep. It must be from living with old people.”
Sophia: “I'm Sonny
Bono you idiot!!”
Dorothy: “Gee, I
wonder how many maĆ®tre d's have heard that line?”
Dorothy: “The big
news is we beat Gladys Goldfine. Right, Ma?”
Sophia: “Ah, it
was a hollow victory. Time has taken its toll on Gladys. She's not
the fierce competitor she once was.”
Dorothy: “You know
for the talent section she was supposed to do a medley from The
Fantasticks. She started with 'Try To Remember,' and she couldn't.”
What better way to
celebrate Halloween than with some fantastic Sonny and Cher costumes?
After all we all know there were never any Halloween episodes on the
GG. “An Illegitimate Concern” is a fantastic Blanche-centric
episode that is mostly known as “the one when Dorothy and Sophia
sing I Got You Babe as Sonny & Cher.” Blanche's storyline here
is pretty heavy. I would assume it would be difficult to deal with an
illegitimate child showing up at you door but the saddest part to me
is that BLANCHE MISSES THE SHADY PINES MOTHER-DAUGHTER BEAUTY
PAGEANT!!! WTF!!! GO BACK TO DALLAS, DAVID!! Phew, glad I got that
off my chest. Anyways, even with all the heavy subject matter this is
still a pretty hilarious episode with Marc Cherry's always clever
dialogue. I still find it odd that Sophia would go back to Shady
Pines on purpose but I just went with it. Lastly, who would KILL to
see the Shady Pines Circus? Do you think it's just like old people
riding on elephants and stuff? Fun Fact: Actor Mark Moses who plays David would later go on to co-star in Marc Cherry's hit ensemble mystery dramedy "Desperate Housewives." GRADE: A
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