Friday, September 1, 2017

All That Jazz S5E10

Synopsis: Dorothy’s son Michael returns and begins to mooch off of her after Lorraine throws him out; Rose is stressed at her job working for Enrrrrique Mas.

80s Flashback
Dorothy: “It's just that I'm upset. I am very upset.”
Rose: “It is because you threw Michael out?”
Dorothy: “No, it's because I can't make any sense out of those commercials for Obsession.”

Crazy Continuity
Dorothy says Michael is 30 years old, but just two seasons ago when Michael married Lorraine in “Mixed Blessings” she said he was only 23.

That’s What She Said
Dorothy: “Why does it have to be so hard?”

Shady Pines, Ma
Sophia: “Dorothy, the day you left me at Shady Pines, do you remember what I told you?”
Dorothy: “Of course. You told me you'd never forgive me.”
Sophia: “But look at us now. Everything's fine.”
Dorothy: “What, are you saying no matter how bad things are between Michael and me, they'll change?”
Sophia: “No. I'm saying that when Michael is 83 and his retirement home burns down, your- Oh. That's right, you'll be dead. See you, pussycat.”

Lewd Ladies
Sophia: “Where I was brought up, you learn never turn your back on family. Never.”
Dorothy: “I know, Ma.”
Sophia: “When your crazy cousin Nunzio started living with his pet goat, did the family turn its back on him? No. And after a couple of nights neither did the goat.”

Zbornak Zingers
Blanche: “Stanley, how come I've never seen you at the Hacienda Hut?”
Stan: “I never have to stay long. I'm a chick magnet. That's why they call me Mr. Lucky.”
Dorothy: “You mean, for 38 years I was Mrs. Lucky and never knew it?”

Insult Watch
Dorothy: “Come on in, Stanley. We were just talking about you.”
Stan: “I thought I felt my ears burning.”
Sophia: “Maybe that cheap toupee you're wearing retains heat.”

Sassy Sophia
Dorothy: “Rose, you're gonna have to learn how to take care of that stress. You can't walk around in agony.”
Sophia: “She's right. You know what you do for a bad neck, you get into bed, and lie perfectly still, and wait until it's over. Oh, no, I'm sorry. That's not a bad neck, that's bad sex.”

Back in St. Olaf
Rose: “The hardest part for me was explaining to my Kirsten the difference between boys and girls. I knew the time had come, but I kept putting it off. Finally, I decided it was time to take the bull by the horns.”
Blanche: “So you told her?”
Rose: “No, I took the bull by the horns, turned him around and showed her what makes a bull a bull.”
Dorothy: “You are kidding, Rose?”
Rose: “No! That's how my mother taught me.”
Blanche: “Honey, didn't that give you a false impression about what a man would look like?
Rose: “It sure did. Can you imagine my surprise on my wedding night with Charlie? Boy, that bull would've been jealous!”
Dorothy: “I just wish somebody could tell me I've done the right thing.”
Blanche: “Yeah, yeah, you've done the right thing. Rose, tell me more about Charlie.”

Best of B.E.D.
Rose: “You went on a meditation retreat?”
Blanche: “Yeah.”
Rose: “Was it successful?”
Blanche: “Oh, yes. By the end of the week 17 men were using my name as a mantra.”

Sweet, Single-Digit-IQ Rose
Rose: “I have to make sure this watch really is waterproof.”
Blanche: “Honey, why don't you take the watch off your wrist?”
Rose: “Come on, Blanche! Then I'd have my hand in a bucket of water for nothing.”

From Feud to Food
Rose: “In the animal kingdom, the whole idea is to teach offspring to fend for themselves. Humans are the only ones who think it's their duty to care for children their entire lives.”
Dorothy: “You know Rose, sometimes you really say some wise things.”
Rose: “We're also the only species who use corn holders that look like corn on the cob when we eat corn on the cob.”
Dorothy: “Oops! Spoke too soon.”

What Do I Look Like, a Cross-Dresser?
Dorothy: “Oh Ma, it's just that I hate to see Michael making all the wrong choices. You know what I mean?”
Sophia: “How could I know? My children made all the right choices. My son was a cross-dresser, my daughter was unmarried and pregnant. Hell, I was the Rose Kennedy of Brooklyn!”

The Boob Tube
Sophia: “Look it’s Jimmy Smits!”
Dorothy: “Ma stop that!”

Enrique Mas: “I want my public to trust me. Enrique Mas must have honest eyes. Try number 34. I heard Ted Koppel uses 34 around the eyes.”
Rose: “Enrique?”
Enrique Mas: “Rose. Do my eyes look honest enough?”
Rose: “I, uh-”
Enrique Mas: “You see? The lady hesitates. More around the eyes. Make me, Cronkite!”

Golden Quotes
Dorothy: “She threw you out, didn't she?”
Michael: “She changed the locks and everything. I mean, she even tossed all my clothes out the window. You can't imagine what it's like searching for underwear in the back of a convertible.”
Blanche: “Tell me about it.”

Blanche: “Rose! Honey, it's three in the morning! Why are you staring at those light bulbs?
Rose: “I'm running a consumer test for work. I have to see which one of these lasts longer.”
Blanche: “Rose, you ninny, don't you know staring at light bulbs for hours is bad for your eyes?”
Rose: “Hey, instead of worrying about my eyes, I'd be more concerned with those purple spots all over your face.”

Dorothy: “Maybe this job at the Hacienda Hut will get him on the right track again.”
Blanche: “Dorothy. you don't want Michael working in a place like the Hacienda Hut. It is full of people just looking for easy sex and cheap thrills. But if it'll help, I could write a letter of recommendation.”

Stan: “Michael and I made plans to see each other tonight. You know, a real father-son evening, where we can rap and share our feelings and create good vibes.”
Dorothy: “I can dig it.”

Blanche: “When are you gonna realize that you will never have a good relationship with your children until you stop doing all the things for them they should be doing for themselves.”
Sophia: “Dorothy, I finished your blouse.”
Dorothy: “And the socks?”
Sophia: “Get right on it.”

Kick him out. I know it sounds hard and cruel Dorothy, but I've been reading about that very thing. It's called ‘rough love.’”
Dorothy: “No, I think it's ‘tough love.’”
Blanche: “Well, see there? Now we've both come up with something we oughta try.”

Michael: “I brought you something.”
Dorothy: “Change from my 40?”
Michael: “No, these little bamboo umbrellas.”
Dorothy: “These are mine to keep, right?”

Dorothy: “Rose, what the hell are you listening to?”
Rose: “It's a relaxation tape. The rain is supposed to relax me.”
Dorothy: “Is it working?”
Rose: “Not really. I keep worrying that I left my car windows down.”

Stan: “How can I sit in judgment of how Michael lives his life? Here I am, a middle-aged man selling novelties for a living. You know things could've been really different if I'd applied myself thirty years ago.”
Dorothy: “Yeah you could have invented plastic vomit, instead of just selling it.”

Things are a little back to normal at 6151 Richmond St now that Dorothy has decided not to fulfill her dream of entertaining people up on stage. Speaking of show business, her son Michael, who quit his band (this time not having anything to do with wearing a tie) and got dumped by his wife Lorraine, miraculously shows up aged seven years somehow. By the way, where the hell is little Roger/Lamar? WON'T SOMEONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN?? Having dealt with some seriously dark issues this season so far, like suicide and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, the writers sort of reel it in a little and make things a bit more grounded. This time the girls must deal with adult children who can't quite fend for themselves. I'm glad to know my generation didn't start this notion. Please, I'm sure kids have been free loading off their parents for generations. We finally get to see more of Enrrrrrique Mas and find out that Rose has been under a lot of stress. I think it's because Betty White had a strained neck and they decided to write it into the show. You can sort of tell by watching other episodes. This is also Stan's first appearance this season and he'll become much more regular as the series plays out. “All That Jazz” is a fine episode, but it's rather unmemorable. Michael is sort of a boring character when he's not sleeping with stupid flat-chested girls or marrying regal Black women, huh? GRADE: B

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