Synopsis: Blanche
is afraid of commitment after her boyfriend has a heart attack; Rose
invites the girls to a positivity seminar with a bunch of grinnin' idiots called “Create Your Own
Miracles.”
Take Me Out to the
Ballgame, Stanley
Dorothy: “I have
some incredible news!”
Sophia: “You've
been traded to the Rams?”
Shady Pines, Ma
Sophia: “Everybody's
smiling here. I haven't seen so many goofy smiles since the great
denture swap at Shady Pines.”
Lewd Ladies
Dorothy: “Steven,
nice to see you again.”
Steven: “Dorothy,
it's nice to see you. Do you mind if I get something drink? I must
have sweat off ten pounds today.”
Dorothy: “You
played a lot of tennis?”
Steven: “Tennis.”
Blanche: “Yeah,
right.”
Picture It
Blanche: “I wish I
knew what to do.”
Sophia: “All
right, all right. I can pick up a cue. Picture it. Sicily, 1912. A
beautiful, young peasant girl with clear, olive skin meets an
exciting but penniless Spanish artist. There's an instant attraction.
They laugh, they sing. They slam down a few boilermakers. Shortly
afterwards, he's arrested for showing her how he can hold his palette
without using his hands. But I digress. He paints her portrait and
they make passionate love. She spends much of the next day in the
shower with a loofah sponge, scrubbing his fingerprints off her body.
She sees the portrait and is insulted. It looks nothing like her. And
she storms out of his life forever. That peasant girl was me and that
painter was Pablo Picasso.”
Dorothy: “Ma, I
have a feeling you're lying.”
Rose: “Be
positive, Dorothy.”
Dorothy: “OK, I'm
positive you're lying!”
Zbornak Zingers
Blanche: “I used
to attract men who were young and active and virile, but now they
just want to date girls in their 20s and 30s. What's a great-looking
gal in her 40s to do?”
Dorothy: “Perhaps
we should find one and ask her.”
Oh Shut Up, Rose!
Rose: “Dorothy,
you're not very open-minded.”
Dorothy: “I am so.
Now shut up.”
Insult Watch
Blanche: “Everything
old and familiar has become new and exciting.”
Dorothy: “Oh.
That's nice. Maybe I should look up one of my old flames.”
Sophia: “Yeah, but
not Stan. The other one.”
Sassy Sophia
Blanche: “What's
the point of wearing this if I've got nothing to put in it?”
Sophia: “I say the
same thing every morning when I put on my bra.”
Back in St. Olaf
Rose: “Dorothy, in
times like these, you have to hold onto your faith, just like Hans
Gluckenflunken, St. Olaf's greatest explorer.”
Dorothy: “Rose,
please, let me have a little recovery time before you start a St.
Olaf story.”
Rose: “You see,
Hans Gluckenflunken set out for Florida to find the Fountain of
Intelligence. Unfortunately, when he got to Duluth, he took a left
instead of a right and he wound up back in St. Olaf. That's how he
got his nickname, Wrong Way Gluckenflunken.”
Dorothy: “Rose,
how is this a story about faith?”
Rose: “Well, when
he got back, it was the dead of winter. Tired and hungry and but
still clinging to his belief that he would find the Fountain of
Intelligence, he saw the miracle water trickling out of the ground,
and he fell to his knees and tasted it. Unfortunately, it was a
broken sewer main. Two days later, he died of cholera.”
Dorothy: “What is
the point, Rose?”
Rose: “He was
positive he had found the Fountain of Intelligence. In fact, his
dying words were, 'I think I've learned something from this.'”
Blanche: “Girls,
am I interrupting?”
Dorothy: “I
sincerely hope so.”
Best of B.E.D.
Blanche: “Oh,
Dorothy, you always give me the best advice about men. Who says
wisdom comes from experience”
Sweet, Single-Digit-IQ Rose
Mary Ellen: “You're special too, and do you know why? Because
you're you, and there is nobody else like you in the whole world. Do
you understand that?”
Dorothy: “Only an idiot wouldn't understand that.”
Rose: “Mary Ellen, I'm completely lost. Could you run that by me
again?”
Blanche: “Look. I'm trying to keep this relationship casual. If I
go to that hospital, I'm in and there's no gettin' out.”
Rose:
“Don't be silly. All you do is follow the orange line down the
middle of the hallways. They lead right to the elevators.”
From Feud to Food
Dorothy: “Do you
know that nasty butcher down at the deli?”
Rose: “The little
guy with four fingers?”
Dorothy: “That's
him. I don't know, but every time I order roast beef, he cheats me. I
don't know how he does it. I stand there and watch as he slices a
big, juicy roast beef, but when I get home, I find these crummy,
little, hard pieces, you know, from the end. Anyway, today I went in
with a positive attitude. I told myself, 'This man is my friend and I
know he is going to give me a good cut of meat.' Look.”
Rose: “It's a
miracle!”
Sophia: “Oh,
great. Pilgrims are gonna be showing up to kiss Dorothy's luncheon
meat.”
Reel References
Mary Ellen: “Please,
stand up and introduce yourself.”
Dorothy: “I'm
Dorothy Zbornak.”
Sophia: “I'm
Melanie Griffith.”
Mary Ellen: “Hi,
Dorothy. Hi, Melanie.”
Audience: “You're
special!”
Sophia: “You're
nuts.”
The Boob Tube
Blanche: “When I'm
with Steven, I don't know, I get goose bumps, I feel all tingly.”
Rose: “Oh, I
understand what you're talking about. I feel the same way when I hear
the words, 'And filling in for Doc, Tommy Newsom.'”
Golden Quotes
Blanche: “I'm a
cowgirl. Yippee-ay-oh K-Y.”
Dorothy: “Ki-yay.”
Rose: “Hi, girls.
What a great day. I feel so terrific. It's like life is a giant
weenie roast and I'm the biggest weenie.”
Sophia: “No
argument from this corner.”
Rose: “How about
you, Sophia? Remember, today is the first day of the rest of your
life.”
Sophia: “Terrific.
If I'm lucky I may live to be seven.”
Sophia: “Remember
what your cousin Frederico used to say: 'People waste their time
pondering whether a glass is half empty or half full. Me, I just
drink whatever's in the glass.'”
Dorothy: “Ma,
Cousin Frederico was a hopeless alcoholic who played boccie ball with
an imaginary friend named Little Luigi.”
Rose: “It's not a
good idea to go it alone. Did I ever tell you about my cousin Vigdor
Fricken? He tried to go it alone in a three-legged race. Well, you
know what happened to him?”
Dorothy: “Please!
Please, Rose! I don't want to hear about your frickin' cousin.”
Critique:
Hi reader! You're special! So first off, I actually wonder where
exactly Blanche's gun went to? Maybe Rose started up her target
practice again? But I digress. This episode is sort of just ok isn't
it? I mean you've got your Blanche in cowgirl outfit which is fun.
And there's the whole “You're Special!” scene with all those
grinnin' idiots. But besides that there isn't much memorable stuff
going on here. There are a couple other standout moments including
one of my favorite Sophia stories involving her alleged affair with
Pablo Picasso. I think it's one of the few stories of hers I can
recite perfectly from memory. Rose's Fountain of Intelligence story
is also classic. I don't know, it seems like the writers were still
on winter break here. Probably holed up in a wintry ski resort in
Colorado… with a ski instructor named Fritz… ah you know the
rest. GRADE: B
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