Monday, June 26, 2017

Valentine's Day S4E15

Synopsis: After their dates cancel on them, the girls reminisce about past Valentine’s Day memories.

80s Flashback
Dorothy: “Thanks a lot, Rose. Oh, this is a great Valentine's weekend. Stuck in a hotel at a nudist camp for ten hours.”
Rose: “I'm sorry, Dorothy. It's all my fault. I misunderstood the brochure.”
Dorothy: “‘Fun in the buff at a mountain retreat. Hike, swim, and play volleyball while the sun beats down on your fanny.’”
Dorothy: “Call David Horowitz. I mean, how can they get away with this misrepresentation?”

Crazy Continuity
In the “Bedtime Story” episode, Dorothy says she always wanted to try a nudist camp (“Some big pots belong on the back burner”). But here, when Rose accidently books their vacation at a clothing optional resort, she’s initially sickened by it.

Musical Moments
Julio Iglesias serenades Sophia with “Begin the Beguine”
Let’s Get Political
Dorothy: “That piece of chocolate was in your mouth and I just put it in mine.”
Sophia: “Big deal. We took a bite out of the same piece of chocolate. Call C. Everett Koop. I only breast-fed you for the first two years of your life. You wanna talk disgusting? That's disgusting.”

St. Olaf Vocab
Klingenspritzer – while we don’t get the actual meaning, in the context of how it’s used by Rose, we can assume it means a part of the male body usually covered by clothing, i.e., a penis.

Take Me Out to the Ballgame, Stanley
Blanche: “Come here a minute. I want you to see this guy playing volleyball.”
Dorothy: “Blanche, will you stop acting like a teenager? You have seen naked men before. What is the big deal? Whoa. Is that a legal serve?”

That’s What She Said
Nude bellhop: “Excuse me, where would you like me to put this?”
Blanche: “Oh, well, buy me a drink and we'll talk.”

Lewd Ladies
Blanche: “It's just so beautiful up here. The fresh air, the wide open spaces. You know, being in the mountains always puts me in a romantic mood. Dorothy, did you ever make love on top of a mountain?”
Dorothy: “No. The closest I ever came was making love of top of a fat guy called Old Smoky.”

Nude Bellhop: “Ladies, may I show you to your room?”
Dorothy: “Just point the way.”
Blanche: “Oh good, it’s on the second floor.”

Zbornak Zingers
Blanche: “Well we are going away for a romantic weekend to the Bahamas with Jeff and Rich and Randy. In this day and age it might be a good idea to take along some… protection.”
Rose: “What kind of protection?
Dorothy: “Two armed Pinkerton guards.”

Insult Watch
Rose: “I'm starting to chicken out.”
Blanche: “Now, Rose. Don't you be self-conscious. There's probably lots of people here with bodies worse than yours and Dorothy's.”

Product Placement
Drugstore clerk: “Joe, I need a price check on some condoms. These three ladies here want a couple of boxes of the King George prophylactics.”
Joe: “The lambskins or the ultrasensitive?”
Drugstore clerk: “Two of them have the lambskins and the blonde has the ultrasensitive, in black.”

Sassy Sophia
Blanche: “You don't remember what happened last Valentine's Day?”
Sophia: “Please. I'm 82. Be thankful I remember not to wear my underwear outside of my dress. Most of the time.”

Best of B.E.D.
Blanche: “Oh, I could just scratch your eyes out. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you. Drop dead!”

Sweet, Single-Digit-IQ Rose
Dorothy: “Blanche, Steve called and canceled your date, didn't he?”
Blanche: “Yes.”
Rose: “How did you know that, Dorothy?”
Dorothy: “I'm clairvoyant, Rose.”
Rose: “You're so lucky. I get into a pool, I sink like a stone.”

Literary Intelligentsia
Dorothy: “OK, we have the suntan lotion, Chap Stick, and half a dozen cheap, tawdry romance novels.”

The Boob Tube
Dorothy: “Ma, I bet you were in on this all along, weren't you?”
Sophia: “Of course I was. These dimwits' idea of romance is a Coors Light and a Love Boat rerun.”

Golden Quotes
Blanche: “All right, then I say we just cast caution to the wind, get butt naked and have a good time.”
Dorothy: “If I had a dollar for every time you said that, I'd be a wealthy woman.”
Dorothy: “Condoms, Rose! Condoms, condoms, condoms!”
Drugstore clerk: “Calm down, lady. You just get outta prison?”

I’m pretty sure Julio Iglesias gives the worst performance as himself as I’ve ever seen seen on this or any show. They must have had him for literally five minutes because he can’t even keep a straight face during his appearance. You can even hear the sounds of cameras going off as if he’s walking down a red carpet. Geesh. I imagine the network spent lots of money promoting his brief appearance. It’s a ratings-grabbing, disgusting bit of celebrity ga-ga that almost sours the episode, though it’s glorious 80s ridiculousness for sure. But I digress. Another episode, another one full of delightful vignettes. This time all related to Valentine’s Day. (To this day, I still get upset that they never did a Halloween-themed episode). The vignettes range from merely ok, so flat-out classic. And you know exactly what I’m talking about. The less said about the first story told by Sophia the better. She says she witnesses a St. Valentine’s Day massacre while traveling with her husband and father through Chicago. It would probably be better left as a monologue rather than a full scene, but I digress. Let’s get to the real meat and potatoes of the episode so-to-speak. The second vignette is the one where they accidently book a stay at a nudist camp. This is a classic GG sequence filled with hilarious, innuendo-filled dialogue and delightfully awkward twist. The third vignette yet again displays the progressiveness of the show, even if it ultimately sort of treats the situation as a joke. Blanche helps a young man propose to what she assumes is his girlfriend. But some things do change, though, “Love is love. Period.” And finally we have another outright top-notch, all-time favorite GG scene in which the girls are embarrassed buying condoms at the drugstore. There’s nothing that hasn’t already been said about this brilliant, hilarious sequence, except that I always end up craving a Nestlé’s Crunch after it. GRADE: A

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