Synopsis: The girls have guests coming into town so they reminisce about past bedtime experiences
Rose: “I forgot to say my prayers.”
Dorothy: “Oh Rose, God wouldn't mind if you skipped a night. He's very busy these days. Most of his free time is spent talking to Pat Robertson.”
So, it's implied in the second vignette that Blanche came to Miami “for eligible men.” But Blanche was married to George and raised her kids in Miami. Uh what? Maybe that's why she STAYED in Miami?
Also, we learn Dorothy always wanted to try a nudist camp. So why did she freak out on Rose in the Valentine's Day episode??
Rose: “My cousin Milo's coming, don't you remember? He's gonna be in town for the 14th Annual Hog Expo.”
Dorothy: “Is it the 14th Annual already? It seems just like yesterday it was the 12th Annual. Sunrise, sunset/Sunrise, sunset.”
That’s What She Said
Sophia: “She was more in the mood for something that wouldn't test her gag reflex.”
Blanche: “Did you hear that sound?”
Sophia: “Yeah, and as long as I'm in my own bed, I'll do what I WANT!”
Blanche: “Dorothy, didn't you ever have something you always wanted to do, you know some kind of secret desire you always kept on the back burner?”
Dorothy: “I always wanted to try a nudist camp.”
Train Attendant: “Some big pots belong on the back burner.”
Dorothy: “Uh, don't you have a cousin you should be dating??”
Oh Shut Up, Rose!
Sophia: “What the hell is everyone so particular about? In Sicily, four in a bed is a treat. It means half your family is on vacation. I slept with my two brothers until I was 17. I was engaged to one for a very short period of time. But that's a separate story.”
Rose: “I wouldn't mind hearing it!”
Dorothy: “Shut up, Rose!”
Rose: “I never do very much with my eyebrows.”
Blanche: “That's why, from the nose up, you look like Wilfred Brimley.”
Dorothy: “I'm freezing to death. You're the only one who has an electric blanket.”
Sophia: “I'll die under here with you. Your body is like a heat sponge. You'll suck up all the heat and I'll get up in the morning a frozen fish stick.”
Dorothy: “Ma, don't be ridiculous. Just turn up the heat.”
Sophia: “It's already on nine. On ten you can cook a Lean Cuisine.”
Blanche: “It couldn't be any worse than trying to sleep on a hard wooden bench in the middle of a railway station.”
Sophia: “Boy, you do it anyplace don't you Blanche?”
Back in St. Olaf
Rose tells Blanche about the St. Olaf Slasher who would sneak into unsuspecting farmers' fields and mercilessly slash their scarecrows to shreds.
Best of B.E.D.
Blanche: “Dorothy, I swear you snore worse than a sailor passed out at an adult motel after a night of unbridled passion while I had to call a cab to take me ho- never mind.”
Dorothy, pretending to be God: “Rose thanks for the lovely prayer... now shut up and get into bedddd.”
Blanche, telling a frightened Rose a bedtime story: “...until finally they got so sick and tired of Rose annoying them that they went off to sleep someplace else. And two big ol' escaped convicts snuck in through the window and murdered Rose IN HER SLEEP!!”
Station Attendant: “Now y'all may think this sounds kinda silly, but we actually printed "Our trains leave early" right on the town seal.”
Rose: “You have a town seal? Can he play a song on those little horns?”
Station Attendant: “No, but he can balance a ball on his nose if you throw him a catfish first.”
Blanche: “This is like The Twilight Zone. Somehow we got on a train that ended up inside Rose's mind.”
Rose: “Excuse me, Mr. Clown. Could you do something to put smiles on the faces of three Gloomy Guses?”
Mr. Clown: “Buzz off, lady. I'm on a cigarette break.”
Critique: Is it just me or is Miami the last place you'd find an annual Hog Expo? Maybe I'm just ignorant. Anyways, I always love the “flashback” episodes that feature new footage. These vignettes are always some of the show's all-time best moments and “Bedtime Story” is no exception. The centerpiece sequence involves the four girls snuggling under Sophia's electric blanket during a cold spell. Why anyone in Miami would own an electric blanket is beyond me but again I've never lived in southern Florida. I've also never been an 80 year-old woman (Which is funny because I'm pretty sure I AM an 80 year-old woman trapped inside a 33 year-old man's body). But I digress. This is an all-time classic GG moment and is filled with quotable line after quotable line. This may, in fact, be the first entire scene that I ever knew all by heart. There are too many specific moments to recall here but there are two I want to mention specifically. First, I love a good fart joke and Sophia nails hers here and second, Dorothy pretending to be God is a top ten Dorothy moment for sure. The other vignettes involve Blanche comforting Rose after she hears about convict escaping from a prison in Georgia, one with Sophia taking care of Dorothy who's sick with bronchitis, and one with the girls spending a night at a train station with a bunch of circus clowns. As a final note, Dorothy must be a ninja because she's able to clear off her entire plate of chipped beef and stash it in Sophia's purse in complete darkness in about 3 seconds. Impressive, Ms. Zbornak. GRADE: A