The Actor (S2E14)

Synopsis: Mr. Patrick Vaughn, Dorothy's all-time FAVORITE TV actor, comes to Miami to star in a local community theater production and woos Blanche, Rose, and Dorothy - and every other female in the cast; Sophia gets a job at Captain Jack's Seafood Shanty which requires a Vasco da Gama-like uniform.

80s Flashback

Blanche: “We just want you to know how excited we are that an artist of your stature is gonna be performing in our little theatre.”

Mr. Patrick Vaughn: “Ladies, there are no small theatres, no small parts, only small actors.”

Rose: “Like Hervé Villechaize.”

Mr. Patrick Vaughn: “I was speaking metaphorically.”

Rose: “Oh please go on. That's such a beautiful language.”

Crazy Continuity

Doesn't Mr. Patrick Vaughn look just like Eduardo from “Rites of Spring?”

St. Olaf Vocab

Flugenachen – (n.) Scandinavian for someone who docks his boat in a handicap slip

That’s What She Said

Dorothy: “Are you wearing a sabre under your coat?”

Shady Pines, Ma

Dorothy: “Look, Ma, you're 81. Now working all day in a fast food place is too much for you. I absolutely forbid it.”

Sophia: “Really, warden? What are you gonna do, send me back to that crummy old folks home?”

Dorothy: “Ma, Shady Pines happens to be a beautiful retirement village.”

Sophia: “Yeah right. And Morley Safer just happened to wander in there by mistake.”

Lewd Ladies

Dorothy: “Rose, why don't we just show Mr Vaughn around the theatre?”

Blanche: “Well why don't I just do that myself since I've had the most experience performing here.”

Dorothy: “Blanche, the parking lot doesn't count. I'll do it.”

Zbornak Zingers

Dorothy: “There was something special about him. He made me feel beautiful.”

Blanche: “He made me feel young.”

Rose: “He made me feel smart.”

Dorothy: “God, what an actor.”

Insult Watch

Dorothy: “We were talking about how humiliated we all were by Patrick.”

Rose: “You're right. I feel so common. So cheap. So used. How do you usually deal with that, Blanche?”

Product Placement

Rose: “I hate to admit it but he melts my Häagen-Dazs.”

Dorothy: “Rose, you tramp!”

Dorothy Zbornak is My Spirit Animal

Dorothy: “Rose. Look, Rose, it's... It's I... He's... I... We…Oooggg.”  

Sophia: “This is my daughter Dorothy, she's an English teacher.”

Sassy Sophia

Rose: “Sophia. Is that a Captain Jack Seafood Shanty uniform you're wearing?”

Sophia: “No, Rose. I'm off to discover the Straits of Magellan Yo ho!”

Best of B.E.D.

Mr. Patrick Vaughn: “I'm afraid I popped your bosom!”

Blanche: “Don't you worry about a thing, Patrick. My backup pair can take a lot more punishment.”

Reel References

Blanche: “You are never gonna guess who we got to star in this year's production at the Community Theatre!”

Dorothy: “Oh Blanche, please. You say that every year. And every year, we end up with Miami's answer to Meryl Streep: Phyllis Hammerow. She stinks.”

Golden Quotes

Rose: “Oh I thought she was terrific last year in 'The Diary of Anne Frank.'”

Dorothy: "Oh Rose please, during the entire second act the audience kept yelling, 'She's in the attic! She's in the attic!'”

Mr. Patrick Vaughn, distracted by Blanche's large, fake breasts: "The moon is hangin' awful low in the sky tonight, isn't it, Busty!"

Critique: "Evening fellow Wykahatchiite." Oh Mr. Patrick Vaughn, where do we even begin? I'm pretty sure the moment Blanche reveals her “bosom” to Mr. Patrick Vaughn during the audition might be the loudest response from the studio audience thus far in the series. They literally lose their shit, including one woman who literally screams like she just saw the real life inspiration for the cake from the Get It While It's Hot Erotic Bake Shop. But I digress. Of course they're losing their minds; this scene is brilliant and hilarious and Rue kills it. It's such a fun physical gag that the show hadn't really seen before. I'd also love to assume that this was the inspiration for the “hydro-bra episode” of “Will & Grace.” So, if there's anything I love more on GG than the girls losing their shit over money shenanigans it's losing their shit over the same guy they've all got the hots for. Mr. Patrick Vaughn is the man of the hour. But wasn't it practically yesterday they were obsessing over Mr. Burt Reynolds? And just the fact that Blanche always prefaces any dream man of hers with “Mr.” is one of the most perfect and brilliantly subtle aspects of the character. Anywho. Patrick Vaughn turns out to be Hollywood sleaze in a yellow cardigan as he makes his way through the entire community theatre like a bad case of herpes. The episode has a lot of really great physical humor and functions appropriately like a fun, theatrical farce. Dorothy being thrown to the floor might be one of my favorite bits of physical comedy in the entire series. For some reason, watching the hulking Bea Arthur being dropped to the ground is an image that will stay with me for my entire life. Not only does this episode revel in outstanding physical humor, the dialogue is sharp as a tack. Every other line is quote-worthy ("And as God as my witness, I will never shampoo your hair again!") Like the best episodes, the plot is purposefully silly but “The Actor” really is a standout episode and definitely ranks as one of my all-time favorites. This is top-notch GG. Fun Fact: If you look carefully you'll see Rue is wearing knee pads under her wardrobe in the scene where she gets tossed to the floor. GRADE: A