Crazy Continuity
This episode marks the return of Blanche’s daughter Becky, (this
time played by actress Debra Engle) but there’s no mention of her having been
overweight, or running off to Europe to become a model, or anything about
needing a small barge to bring her to Miami.
Musical Moments
Sophia: “Just outta curiosity, you don't have any Tony
Bennett socked away, do ya?”
Take Me Out to the Ballgame, Stanley
Sophia: “I remember, Dorothy, when you were deciding what you
wanted to be.”
Dorothy: “Ah, yeah. I wanted to go to college and be a
schoolteacher. Pop wanted me to be a cosmetician in a funeral parlor.”
Sophia: “He always liked looking at dead people. Dead people
and the Dodgers. That was it for him in the good-time department. Sometimes,
just to make him happy, I used to lie in bed with a baseball hat on.”
That’s What She Said
Dorothy: “I swear, he must of slipped me something.”
Sophia: “Apparently!”
Lewd Ladies
Blanche: “Buy?? Well, sperm used to be free, it was all over
the place!”
Picture It
Sophia: “I'm gonna have to agree with Blanche on this one. Half
the fun is in getting there. And boy, did your father and I have fun trying for
you.”
Dorothy: “Ma, I don't think I wanna hear this.”
Sophia: “I wasn't gonna tell you until you're 60, but I think
you can handle it now. We lived in New York at the time and there was the San
Genarro festival every year. And your father, may he rest in peace until I get
there, got so turned on by the festivities one year he couldn't wait till we
got home.”
Dorothy: “Oh, Ma.”
Sophia: “So he took me. Right there, behind the sausage and
pepper stand. Hey, we were behind the garbage cans. It's not like we were in
front of everybody.”
Zbornak Zingers
Blanche: “What in hell are we doing here? I feel like I'm in
the middle of some awful dream, yet I know it can't be a dream 'cause there are
no boy dancers. I just cannot believe you are actually gonna give money to
someone like this sperm pusher. You are a Devereaux. A Devereaux has never had
to pay for it. I certainly haven't.”
Dorothy: “She's always depended on the kindness of strangers.”
Insult Watch
Blanche: “I don't want to go to a place like that. It's too
embarrassing. What if one of the neighbors saw me going in? What would they
think??”
Dorothy: “That you're picking something up for a much younger
person.”
Sassy Sophia
Sophia: “I bet this is more fun than giving blood!”
Back in St. Olaf
Rose: “On the farm a lot of the animals got artificially inseminated.
Once Harry the bull went through a whole spring unaroused and the cows and my
father were out of their minds with grief. I mean, you haven't seen anything
till you've seen a frustrated cow. They can get this crazed look in their eye
and you know they're thinking, ‘Where's
mine?’”
Dorothy: “Where's mine??”
Rose: “Cows have feelings, too. Anyway, when Harry really got
lazy Dad had to bring in Mr. Hoffenheisen to spread the seed. He did it in the
most unusual way. He'd put on this really long rubber glove-”
Dorothy: “Rose, that's a terrific story and surprisingly
on-subject but I don't think that, uh, Blanche wants to hear about uncontented
cows right now.”
Rose: “I can relate to the festivities part, Sophia. All our
children were conceived on special St. Olaf holidays. Adam was conceived on the
Day of the Princess Pig when they had the pig crowning, and Jeanella was
conceived on Hay Day. That's the day we St. Olafians celebrate hay.”
Dorothy: “Rose, do you think you could wrap this up before
Rebecca goes into labor?”
Rose: “Then there was the Day of the Wheat when everybody
came to town dressed as sandwiches. Charlie and I forgot to put cheese between
us and before I knew it, there was Kirsten.”
Best of B.E.D.
Blanche: “So, this is the thanks I get for all those cold
nights when you were a baby crying and I'd have to get up out of bed and grope
around in the dark for my slippers and robe, make my way all the way downstairs
and scream for the governess!?”
Sweet, Single-Digit-IQ Rose
Dorothy: “Blanche, your daughter is about to leave for the
airport. What the hell are you doing out here?”
Blanche: “Well, there's still some sun. I thought I might get
a little color.”
Dorothy: “Blanche, this has to be absolutely the dumbest
thing you could possibly do.”
Rose: “Dorothy's right. The sun's rays can be dangerous now
there's a hole in the ozone layer.”
From Feud to Food
Dorothy: “OK, OK, Ma if you don't wanna go to the doctor, you
don't have to go to the doctor. All right? I'll tell you what. Why don't we
spend tomorrow afternoon together? We'll work on our bonding. I'll take you to
Wolfie's for an egg cream.”
Sophia: “A chocolate egg cream?”
Dorothy: “You betcha.”
Sophia: “Oh boy! A chocolate egg cream! Forget it, Dorothy. I
smell a pony ride.”
What, We Can’t Learn From History?
Rose: “You know I'm not so sure sperm can't live outside the
body. Back during World War II, my best friend Claire Osterhaus's husband was
in the army and stationed in France. Well, five months after he left St.Olaf,
she got pregnant. A lot of people thought she was fooling around, but she told
me that sperm must have swum from Normandy. Across the Atlantic, up the St. Lawrence
Seaway, into the Great Lakes and then over to Minnesota.”
Blanche: “And what did you think, Rose?”
Rose: “Well, I know those little guys are supposed to be good
swimmers but I think it had to come over by mail.”
The Boob Tube
Rose: “Well, it might not be so bad. In fact, just last week
I was reading that you can buy the sperm of Nobel Prize winners. Or was it Star
Search winners?”
Golden Quotes
Sophia: “At my age, checkups can be dangerous to your health.
You know Sam down the block, the one who thinks he's hiding his stomach by
wearing Hawaiian shirts?”
Dorothy: “Yeah, Sam is fine.”
Sophia: “His brother went for a checkup seven years ago. The
doctor said he was great. Three days after the exam, he was dead.”
Dorothy: “Ma, he owed money to a guy named Face and got
thrown off a pier.”
Sophia: “That was one of the causes.”
Blanche: “If you will excuse me, Becky and I are having
breakfast on the lanai. We're still bonding.”
Sophia: “Dorothy, how come we never bond?”
Dorothy: “We're from before bonding and quality time. We're
from when people stayed together because they had no choice.”
Dorothy: “Ma, I scheduled the appointment for your checkup. Ma,
you know you have to have a physical. What do you want me to do? Take you to
court? Have you declared incompetent?”
Sophia: “I'm not incompetent. Once when I laughed too hard, I
had a little accident.”
Sophia: “Oh boy, we're going to a sperm bank. I can't think
of a better way to pep up a slow day.”
Dorothy: “Ma, you're not going.”
Sophia: “Why not?”
Dorothy: “I don't think you should be doing anything as
strenuous as going to a sperm bank until you've had that checkup. Too bad.”
Sophia: “All right, I'll go to the doctor, but this better be
a GREAT sperm bank!”
Blanche: “What does one wear to a sperm bank??”
Dorothy: “Something attractive, in rubber.”
Blanche: “I have that.”
Rose: “How did things go at the doctor's, Sophia?”
Sophia: “He said I have the body of a 40-year-old. A dead
40-year-old.”
Critique:
How freaking amazing is this episode? It is nearly busting at
the seams with quotable line after quotable line. You could fill
Becky’s small barge full of quotable dialogue. This episode sort of marked a
turning point for the series. A slew of new writers were brought in, and this
would be the last season with director Terry Hughes. But I digress. Let’s get
to the sperm. Have you ever heard the word sperm used so much in 24 minutes?
There are so many great jokes, most of which are even funnier because four “old
ladies” are talking about such a taboo subject. Speaking of taboo things, I
still don’t get what the big deal is about Becky wanting to be artificially
inseminated. I know Blanche is traditional and old-school but come on. She has
a gay brother, you’d think she could handle anything by now. I also love how
whenever one of the girls has an issue with a family member they literally all
have to take part. Why the hell would Becky want to see the sperm pusher, err,
doctor with her mom’s roommate’s 80-something mother? Speaking of Sophia. She’s
certainly this episode’s MVP. While her B story about having a physical is
ultimately pointless and meaningless compared to the main story line, her line readings
and reactions are simply priceless here. I would go on a sperm bank national
tour with her. It certainly would be more fun than giving blood. GRADE: A
Reading these posts has been an experience that I'll always keep very close to my heart. And these are memories that I'll wrap myself in when the world gets cold and I forget that there are people who are warm and loving.
ReplyDeleteCrazy continuity: was Dorothy conceived during the day at the San Gennaro festival, or after her parents had a fight one night?
ReplyDeleteThere's a young man filling out paperwork in the Sperm Bank waiting area. I can't find him credited anywhere, but I'm pretty sure he also had a non-speaking role in another episode.
ReplyDeleteBlanche's "governess" line I think is one of my absolute favorites ever and that's also because of the delivery. You go from it being the last thing you'd expect to realizing it's 100% accurate. Brilliant.
ReplyDelete